


Outside of the window

by Im_Innocent_I_Swear



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Character Death, Cutting!Phil, Death, Depression, Fluff, Hospital Sex, Hospitalization, Hospitals, I'm Sorry, M/M, Phanfiction, Self-Harm, Smut, bottom!Phil, top!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-06 18:56:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4233039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_Innocent_I_Swear/pseuds/Im_Innocent_I_Swear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has had a lot of headaches lately, and when he suddenly wakes up without being able to see, he and his boyfriend Phil rush to the hospital. Turns out that Dan has a terminal disease and he will only live for a couple of weeks. He has to stay in the hospital, and because Phil isn't family, he is only allowed to come an hour a day. And every day Dan asks him to describe what's outside of the window. And Phil does. But in the meantime, when Phil is home alone, he feels worse and worse. He was going to lose the love of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Darkness

Dan still remembered that day, that day he woke up in darkness. He remembers so clear how he opened his eyes, and seeing nothing but the thick black nothingness. His favorite color tattooed onto his eyes. Colors. He couldn’t even remember them now. First wondering why it was still so dark, because it felt like it was morning. But after that, desperately blinking his eyes. More and more harsh. Feeling tears well up whilst rubbing his eyes with his fists, making the skin around his eyes sore and red. “What’s happening,” Dan whispered. And then, the panic. Feeling it well up inside of him. Feeling little panic shocks go through his body every time he opened his eyes to see nothing. First whispering. Then yelling. Then screaming. Screaming out. Hearing the door burst open.   
“What’s wrong!?” he heard a deep, slightly panicked voice say. Still a bit husky, because he just came out of bed. Dan turned his head towards the sound.   
“I can’t see anything, Phil!” Dan said, his voice trembling and shaky, rubbing his eyes again. “What’s happening!? I’m scared!”   
Hearing his boyfriend gasp and backing away a few steps before slowly approaching him. Dan suddenly felt a soft hand cupping his cheek, wiping away the tears with his thumb. He heard his boyfriend sit next to him and Dan turned his face to him. His broken eyes, full with tears.   
“Oh my…” Phil said shocked.   
“What!?” Dan yelled scared.   
“You’re eyes…” Phil said, Dan heard his voice going a few pitches higher than usual.   
“What’s with my eyes!? Phil, speak to me, please!” Dan begged, and letting the tears stream down his cheeks.   
“They…” Phil swallowed. “They lost all color. They’re grey.”  
“What…?” Dan cried in disbelief while the anxiety started taking control. “That… that’s not true, it just can’t!”  
Dan heard Phil sob. And whispering softly to himself “how could this happen, baby”. Dan suddenly felt a harsh ache in his head. Painful. Very, very painful. Dan screamed out and grabbed his head. He felt Phil wrap his arm around of him, laying his hand on Dan’s head, shushing him like he’s a baby. “It’s going to be okay, sweetie,” he whispered. “It’ll be okay. It has to be. We will go to the hospital, and they’ll lap you up.”  
Dan nodded, and leaned onto Phil’s chest, hearing his heartbeat while feeling the aches in his head decrease. He felt a soft kiss on his cheek, kissing away the tears. Phil stood up and walked to Dan’s closet.   
“I will choose your clothes for today, then,” Phil said, grabbing a pink shirt. “You’ll probably like this black one.”  
“You are totally taking advantage of this situation, Phil. It’s not funny at all,” Dan said and wiped away all the tears that were still on his cheeks.   
“You’re right,” Phil said. “Serious business. Maybe it’s just something with your eyes, and they’ll give you some weird kind of medicine, and you’ll be fine in no time.”  
“Maybe,” Dan started, “Well, I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to be worried. But I have had a lot of headaches lately, maybe it has something to do with that…”  
“Headaches?” Phil asked. “Why didn’t you tell me? Fuck man… I don’t want to lose you, I love you so fucking much.”  
“I thought it would go away,” Dan said, shocked because he never heard his boyfriend swear like that. “It’s probably nothing.”  
“Yeah, but what if it IS something!” Phil cried. “If you told me before, we could’ve get it checked!”  
“I’m sorry!” Dan sobbed. “I’m sorry… you’re right. Let’s just go.”  
“But, how bad where the headaches,” Phil asked timidly. “On a scale from 1 to 10?”  
“I don’t know… 7… maybe 8 or 9?” Dan said, “It was not nice.”  
“We have to go to the hospital,” Phil said stern. “Now.”  
And he helped Dan putting on his shirt and his jeans. Phil took Dan’s hand and arm and guided him through the hallway. Sometimes stumbling against something, and muttering a ‘sorry’ or a ‘whoops’. Phil guided him down the stairs, very carefully. They got out of the apartment and hopped in a taxi.   
“The most nearby hospital, please,” Phil said. “And quick.”   
Phil felt Dan’s arms wrap around him. Phil hugged him back and patted his thick brown locks.   
“Phil?” Dan mumbled. “Phil, I’m scared… I’m so scared…”  
“Me too, baby,” Phil sighed. “Me too…”


	2. Hospital

“What!?” Phil yelled.   
“I’m very sorry, sir,” the doctor said. “But there is nothing we can do.”  
“But… a… a tumor!?” Phil yelled, the tears flowing over his soft cheeks. “A tumor doesn’t pop up like that!”  
“It didn’t. It has been there for about 5 weeks now…”  
“That’s when my headaches started,” Dan interrupted. Phil looked at him. It was the first thing he said since he got into this room. They have been here for a few minutes. It felt like hours. Phil had guided him to his seat and took the one next to him, holding his hand, squeezing it softly.   
“Yes… well, if you immediately reported it, we probably could’ve done something about it,” the doctor said with a lack of empathy. “But you didn’t. You’re going to have to stay in the hospital until…”  
“I die,” Dan says, grimly completing the sentence. Phil covered his mouth with his unoccupied hand and sobbed. His shoulders shook wildly. But Dan’s expression was blank, nothing.   
“How… how long?” Phil asked softly, still sobbing uncontrollably.   
“A week or 2, 3,” the doctor said. “Now, mister…” he looked at Phil.   
“Lester.”  
“Now, Mister Lester,” the doctor started. “Are you family of Mister Howell’s?”  
“Well, no… but we have been together for the past 6 years and…” Phil said, thinking about the first time they met at the train station.   
“No family, OK,” the doctor wrote something down. “So, you can visit between 1pm and 2pm, once a day and…”  
“Only one hour a day!?” Phil yelled. “This is the man I love, who I would give my life for, and you’re saying that I can see him only one hour a day!?”  
“I’m sorry, but you’re not family, so I can’t help it,” the doctor said. He handed Phil some papers and asked them to leave. A nurse was waiting for Dan in the hallway, she guided him to his room. Phil right behind him.   
“Okay, this is your room 209B” the nurse said, showing them the room. It was like every other hospital room, white walls and a white bed. Some equipment next to it. “Mister Lester, I’m going to have to ask you to leave now. You will be able to visit tomorrow again. Have a nice day.”  
“Can I have a moment alone with Dan, please,” he asked, his crying has stopped. “Please, miss.”  
“Sure, let me just help him get on the bed,” she said. “We’re going to have to put him on the heart monitor. You can have a moment alone, but make it quick.”  
She helped Dan get on the bed and left. Phil quickly took a seat on the bed next to Dan and grabbed his hand.   
“You’ll have to tell them, Phil,” Dan said, staring straight forward.   
“Tell who?” Phil said, just before realizing who Dan was talking about. “No… you know I can’t.”  
“You’re going to have to tell the fans,” Dan said. “Make a little video, don’t mention it in a live show, you won’t be able to keep yourself from crying then. Make it short, explain what’s happening.”  
“I can’t,” Phil said trembling, feeling tears well up again. “But I’ll try… for you. Because I love you. And I want you to know that, OK. You mean the world to me, and you won’t catch me staring anymore, but I still will stare. Because when I see you, the world. It stops and all that exists for me, is you and my eyes staring at you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world stops and it’s a beautiful place and there’s only you. Just you. And my eyes staring at you. When you will be gone, the world will start again and I won’t like it anymore. I just walk around in it, but I won’t like it. And I’ll wait to see you in my dreams again and wait for the world to stop again. I love it when it stops. It’s the best thing I’ve ever known or ever felt, the best thing. And that, is why I will stare at you. And think of you. Forever.”  
“I love you, Phil,” Dan said, touched by what Phil told him. “I love you so, so much.”  
“I know,” Phil said. “And I must leave now. Goodbye, my love.”  
“Wait!” Dan said, raising his hand towards the sound of Phil’s words. “Tell me… tell me what you see outside of the window. I… I want to know… please.”  
He heard Phil shuffling around a bit.   
“Uhm… okay,” Phil said. “But under one circumstance, you won’t ask anyone else. You won’t tell anyone else.”  
“Why wouldn’t I…”  
“Please, Dan. Promise me.”  
“I… I promise,” Dan said. “Now tell me, please.”


	3. Weak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so there is some self-harm in this one. If you can't handle that, please don't read it.

Dan heard Phil walking to one corner of the room. Hearing the sound bounce from the walls. He waited for Phil’s story.   
“I… I see,” Phil started. He seemed nervous. Why would he be nervous? “I see a street. A street with a pavement and some lampposts on it. Dark green lampposts. And a car just passed, it was a white one. I think it was a Fiat. I see a woman walking on the pavement. She is wearing a dress. Next to the pavement is a big marketplace. There is no market right now, maybe tomorrow. I will tell you when there is one. Oh, an ambulance just passed. A baby is born, I hope and…”  
“An ambulance?” Dan asked. “I didn’t hear any sirens. Did you?”  
“No, it’s probably special glass,” Phil said. “So the patients won’t get disturbed and stuff. I also see the nurse standing behind the door, it’s partly made of glass. Oh, she’s ticking her wrists. She is not wearing a watch, but I think I have to go now. Stay in bed! Don’t do anything crazy!”  
“Well, you can’t keep me from doing stuff,” Dan said smiling. “I’m just hardcore like that.”  
“Yeah, right,” Phil smiled. “But seriously, I will be very angry if you do anything stupid. Like… uhm… just stay in bed, Howell!”  
He walks towards Dan and kisses him gently on his lips. “I love you,” he whispers and leaves.

“I can do it…” Phil whispers to himself. He already set up the lights and camera. He sat on his bed. The usual place. He rubbed his hands together and cleared his throat. “I’ll just edit the bad parts out and it’ll be okay. It’ll be fine. Apart from Dan dying and fans killing themselves because of it. Oh god…”  
He shakes his shoulders a few times and leans forward to start the camera. He lightly presses the button and looks at the ground. He breathes in. Holds it a few seconds. And exhales. He tilts his head up and looks into the lens.   
“Hey guys,” he said, without a smile this time, already trying to hold back his tears. “There’s something I need to tell you…”

“Hmmm… really? Tell me more!” a nurse said. Her name was Mary and was Dan’s nurse for his last couple of weeks. She is a really nice lady with curly hair, Dan was allowed to touch it for a moment. She is between the ages of 25 to 30 and has a very nice voice to listen to. Even though she’s the one asking all the questions. Dan just told how he stumbled across Phil on the internet and became friends.   
“Well… I got to warn you,” Dan said with a smirk. “There were some hot Skype sessions that would take hours! He was just a very amazing guy and I knew he was supposed to be mine. So we met at the Manchester train station. That’s almost 6 years ago now.”  
“Was it romantic?” she asked. Dan heard the smile in her voice.   
“Very… he bought me a milkshake,” Dan said. “And after that, we met more and more often, and then in the middle of winter, he told me he loved me.”  
“In the snow?”  
“In the snow, yes,” Dan said, a smile growing on his face when he thinks back. “It was all so perfect… so we moved in together, a few years later. And a year after we moved to London. And it’s perfect. It was all so perfect. We had it all! Loads of fans. A radio show. And then… this happened…”  
He felt a hand on his shoulder and another hand in his hair, fixing his fringe for him. Dan turned his face away from Mary, and let a tear escape. He quickly wipes it away.   
“He is probably filming a video right now,” Dan said. “Telling the fans what’s happening. And that there isn’t going to be a tour. And that they’ll get their money back. To tell them that this is the end of the duo Dan and Phil. Because it’ll be just Phil very soon.”  
“Hey, don’t be like that,” Mary said. “Hang in there. Phil will visit you every day, and it’ll be great. He truly loves you, I can see it. When he looks at you, there is a little sparkle in his eyes. He is a special boy, and he is made for a special boy. Too bad you didn’t get married. Then he was allowed to be here every day as long he likes. He could even spend the night.”  
“We’ll get married in his dreams,” Dan told her. “He already told me how much he loves me, all from the head. No notes or something. So I know he truly loves me. And I love him too. I just hope he can bare it to live on without me. He’s not clingy or something, and we have loads of friends, but… I don’t know…”  
“He’ll be alright,” Mary said. “I’ll check on him when you’re gone, alright?”  
“Yeah, tell me through an Ouija board,” Dan chuckled. 

“So… the people who bought tickets for the tour…” Phil said with a trembling voice, while letting the tears flow free. He is okay to show the world how much he’s going to miss Dan. His best friend and lover. “You’ll get your money back… and… I love you guys… this was the end of Dan and Phil.”  
He leans in to press the off button and lets himself fall back on the bed. He buries his face in his hands, and cried.   
“Why!?” he screamed. He grabbed a pillow and violently threw it towards his dresser, letting some books fall on the ground with a thump. “Why does this happen to me!? Why, god!? WHY!?”   
He suddenly felt a great sickness and ran to the toilet. He violently threw up and cried more.   
“Dan…” he whispered, sobbing. “I can’t live without you, Dan.”  
There is a way out.  
A sudden voice in his head said. And Phil immediately knew what it was talking about. He never thought about it before, but he read about it. He knew it was going to make the pain bearable. He wanted the pain to be bearable, even though it was for just a second.   
It’ll make you forget the pain.   
He knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. But he needed it. For just a moment. He didn’t want to do it, but at the same time he did. He slowly got up, and went to the bathroom. He grabbed one of his razors. He looked at it and saw his reflection. His eyes red, and broken. The thoughts were racing through his head.   
Do it.   
The twisted voice in his head. He wanted to please it. He needed it. It was disturbing, disgusting. But he needed it. He rolled up his sleeve, the only place he could think of. He sat down on the white tiles and leaned against the door. He glanced at the blade.   
Go on, what are you waiting for?  
Phil dropped the blade in his lap and threw his head back against the door. This is sick. He squeezed his eyes shut and found the razor with his hands. He tightened the grip. He shook his head.   
“This isn’t good,” he whispered. “But I need it.”  
With that, he pushed the metal against his skin, making a long horizontal cut. The metal collided with his pale flesh and a few drops of blood flew down his arm. He ran the blade over the same cut, making it deeper. He slowly opened his eyes and allow himself to look at the blood dripping down his arm. He felt the pain and forgot about everything around him. He didn’t stop the blood, he didn’t want to. He buried the razor in his arm again, letting the blood escape from his veins. Another one. He started making them deeper, and longer. Another one.   
“Yes…” he whispered. He felt the energy leaving his body. He dropped the blade on the floor and quickly undressed. He looked at his jumper, a number of bloodstains. He threw his clothes on the ground and got in the shower, cleaning his cuts. And then, all the pain came crashing back into him. Dan is dying in the hospital. Right now. The fans will be devastated. And what about the radio show? Phil was also supposed to call his and Dan’s friends, family. They’ll be so sad. And… he was just being weak. Cutting is weak. Running away from your problems. It’s weak.   
“I’m weak,” Phil whispered while staring at the blood on the tiles, mixing with the water. “I’m worthless.”


	4. Medication

Phil slowly opened his eyes and sat up. He was in bed. And Dan wasn’t there. It wasn’t some horrible nightmare. It was all real. He is about to lose the love of his life. He glanced at his arm. The cuts on his arm now developed scabs. Dark red and brown scabs. He slid his fingers over the scabs. Feeling the pain in his arm. He grabbed his phone and checked the time. 11:52. He’ll visit Dan in an hour. He quickly got up and walked to the closet, feeling a soft breeze pass his bare chest and legs. A pulled a jumper out of the closet, even though it was way too hot for a jumper. He needed to hide his cuts. Even though Dan isn’t able to see them. He will be able to feel them. He pulled the jumper over his head. He put on his jeans and made himself some cereal, not being able to stop thinking about Dan.   
“Oh, shit,” Phil whispers as he remembers that the hospital called about clothes. He needed to bring Dan’s clothes today. He quickly ate his cereal and went to Dan’s bedroom.

“Good morning, Daniel,” Mary said. Dan turned around in his bed.   
“Five more minutes.”  
“It’s noon,” Mary said. “Your boyfriend will be here in an hour. I’ll leave you two alone then. But if you don’t wake up now, you’re not going to get your breakfast.”  
“What is my breakfast?” Dan said, still having his eyes closed and clutching on of his pillows. His back towards Mary. “I’ll rate it, and if it’s not above a 7, I’ll stay in bed.”  
“You’re such a pain in my ass, Dan,” Mary sighed. “It’s hospital food, it’ll never be a 7 or higher. It’s some brown bread and a salad.”  
“Hmm,” Dan murmured. “Is there dressing on the salad?”  
“Garlic.”  
“I’ll have some,” Dan said and turned around and sat up. Mary carefully placed the plate with food on his lap and sat on the chair next to his bed.   
“Daniel, can I ask you something?” Mary asked. She handed him his utensils and helped him actually getting something on his fork. Dan nodded.   
“Sure, go for it,” Dan said when Mary guided his fork to his mouth.   
“What was the color of your eyes,” she asked. “Before… you know…”  
“Brown,” Dan said and chew on his food. “Phil told me that they used to turn a bit red when I’m angry.”  
“I bet they were beautiful,” Mary said as Dan swallowed.   
“Phil told me they were,” Dan said and blushed. “But have you seen his? So blue. Sometimes green. I used to get lost in them… I never will again.”  
Mary said nothing and helped him with his next bite. A silence fell across the room. Nothing but the heart monitor which beeped with every beat of Dan’s heart.   
“This food is gross,” Dan said. Mary chuckled.   
“I know, I’ll get you something else,” Mary said and stood up, taking the plate with her. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”  
“Thank you,” Dan said smiling. “I really appreciate it.”  
“I know,” Mary said and with that, she left. Dan smiled to himself. She’s too sweet. And Phil will visit soon. He wonders if he already made the video. Phil is so cute and sweet. He is a little ray of sunshine. He is Phil. His Phil. His hot Phil. With his nice body, and his low voice. God, and when Phil touches him… he still remembers the first time he did. October 25th, 2009. They just finished the first Philisnotonfire.   
“This was the most fun, I’ve ever had,” he hears himself in his head say, in his most sarcastic voice. He suddenly felt Phil’s arms around him pushing him on his back. Phil was on of him and he looked in his eyes. The world stopped around them and Phil gently placed his lips on Dan’s. It took a few seconds for Dan to process what was happening. But when he realized that Phil, his favorite You tuber, was kissing him, he started kissing back. They let each other’s lips dance on each other, he felt Phil’s tongue on his bottom lip, begging for entrance, and Dan slowly opened his mouth. Their tongues intertwined and he felt Phil’s hands on his hips. Dan let his hands slide over Phil’s back as Phil put his legs on both side of Dan and he sat on his thighs. Phil broke away from the kiss.   
“Sorry,” he said and attempted to stand up but Dan grabbed his collar and pulled him back into a kiss.   
“Shut up, you fool,” Dan whispered in the kiss. He laid his hands on Phil’s chest  
What happened after that was a big blur to Dan now. He chuckles when he thinks back. He does remember that they suddenly laid in bed next to each other, panting. Naked. Dan suddenly noticed a pressure building up in his jeans, he was allowed to wear his normal clothes. He let his hand slide down, underneath the duvet. His hand brushed against his growing erection. He quietly moaned as he softly squeezed his cock. 

Room 209B. Mary was just on her way with a bag of McDonalds. She smiled when she thought of Dan’s reaction. He’d be so happy. At least she hoped he would be.   
“Miss Jones,” someone said. Mary turned around to see whom talked to her. It was Doctor Smith. Mary sighed. He was such a piece of shit with a lack of empathy and emotions.   
“Yes,” Mary said, trying to form a smile.   
“You’re mister Howell’s nurse, right.”  
“Yes, I am,” Mary glanced nervously at the food in her hands. “I only brought this because Daniel didn’t like the food her and…”  
“Yes, okay,” Doctor Smith interrupted her. Rude, Mary thought. “Can you walk me to his room? I’m going to give his medication now.”  
“His medication? Now?” Mary asked shocked. “But those are very effective. You won’t be able to have a sensible conversation for a few hours!”  
“Well, that’s a typical case of not my problem,” doctor Smith said and glanced at the paperwork he was holding.   
“But…”  
“209B, am I right?”  
“In all respect, Mister Smith, but Mister Howell’s boyfriend will visit soon. They care a lot about each other. You’re just taking their hour together away. Doesn’t that make you feel guilty?” Mary said angrily. Mister Smith squinted his eyes at her.   
“209B. Am. I. Correct.”  
“Yes, sir,” Mary said and looked at the ground. He’s such an asshole, Mary thought. Together they walked in silence to the room.

Dan suddenly heard footsteps nearing the door.   
“Shit,” he whispered and quickly slid his hand back on top of the duvet, hoping that you’re not able to see his erection. Just to be sure, he rolled on his side, facing the door. He heard the door open and two people entered.   
“I’m back!” Mary’s voices echoed through the room. “Look what I got you!”  
“I can’t,” Dan said with a straight face. He still felt his erection pulse in his jeans.   
“Yeah, sorry,” Mary said as she walked towards Dan’s bed and held the bag with food in front of his face. “Smell it.”  
“You got me fries?” Dan asked, a smile growing from ear to ear. “Who’s the other person with you? I can hear two people. Is that Phil? Is he early?”  
The heart monitor started to pick up its pace.   
“No, it’s the doctor,” Mary said. “He’s going to give you your medication for today.”  
“Oh, okay,” Dan’s smile faded a bit. The thought of Phil being early with him was so great. Too bad he isn’t here yet. “Is it an injection, or pills?”  
“Pills,” doctor Smith said. “9 pills. Mostly painkillers.”  
“Oh, okay,” Dan said. “I really can’t swallow pills, though. I need a bite with every pill. A few years ago, I needed to swallow a lot of pills too, so I ate a lot of biscuits and…”  
“Yes, okay,” Mister Smith interrupted him. “Mary brought you food. I will give the pills to her, and she’ll help you give them to you. Mary, they will be given right now. I will check on that. Being a doctor is about doing what you’re supposed to do.”  
“Can’t you give them to him when Philip leaves?” Mary asks hopeful.   
“No, right now,” mister Smith said harshly. He raised his eyebrows, which made him look very strict and mean. “Go for it. Have a nice day.”


	5. Clothes, flowers and a scented candle

“Asshole,” Dan said when he heard the door slam shut.   
“Tell me about it,” Mary sighed. “He’s my boss, for crying out loud.”  
“What’s wrong with having my medication now?” Dan asked, reaching his hand out towards Mary to give him the pills and food.   
“Nothing,” Mary lied. “Eat your food. Swallow your pills. Your boyfriend will be here soon.”  
“What time is it?” Dan asked and made a cup with his hand. He felt Mary put a pill in it and two fries. He grabbed the pill and laid it on his tongue. He quickly ate the fries with it and swallowed everything. He shuddered. Swallowing pills is the worst.   
“It’s 12:45,” Mary said and handed Dan his next pill. “You have 15 minutes.”

“I’ve got the clothes…” Phil whispered. “Anything else? I can bring him some flowers! Even though he won’t see them. He’ll smell them. I need to bring flowers that smell good. Or candles? Scented candles! Are you allowed to light candles in a hospital? I’ll buy both, just in case.”  
Phil opened the door and locked it behind him, holding a bag of black clothes. He breathed in the fresh air and walked down the street. He walked for about 10 minutes when he reached the florist and walked in. A million different scents conquered his nose. He looked around, the happy colors greeted him. He looked around for a bit. He smelled every flower that seemed nice. They smelled good, but Dan didn’t deserve good. He deserves the best. He saw a girl between the 16 and 20 years old in a uniform approaching him. He smiled nicely.   
“Can I help you, sir?” she said, giving a friendly smile back.   
“Yes, you can, indeed,” he said and looked around the shop. “I need flowers that smell SO good that you will faint instantly.”  
“Well, I have some flowers that smell REALLY good,” she laughed. “But fainting won’t happen.”  
Phil nodded. He read her name tag. Susan. Phil giggled when he thought back of all the Susans he and Dan had. The fishes on the Sims. The Tamagotchi. Probably some more too. Right, the dragon! Flame Susan. God, Dan was obsessed with the name Susan. Susan guided him to one side of the shop. A few bouquets of little white and yellow flowers stood on the top shelf.   
“These are Jasmines,” Susan said and pointed at the little flowers. “They are known for their sweet scent. They are originally Arabic.”  
She tried to reach them, but was too short.   
“Let me do it,” Phil said and smiled. “I’m tall.”  
He walked to the top shelf and reached his arm up and picked the most beautiful looking bouquet. In that process, his sleeve slid down a bit, exposing his deep dark cuts.   
“How did that happen?” Susan said, and pointed at the cuts. Phil quickly put his arm down and slid down his sleeve. He felt his face slowly getting red.   
“Oh, my…” Phil desperately thought of an excuse. “My cat… my cat grabbed me. My kitten, actually. Cats have very sharp nails. Kittens too.”  
Susan slowly nodded, not entirely believing the stuttering excuse. She took the bouquet from Phil and walked to the counter. She bleeped the price tag.   
“That’s 8.99 pounds, please,” she said with a smile. Phil got out his wallet and started counting his money. “Who are the flowers for?”  
Phil smiled nervously. He didn’t like having to come out to so many people. Being afraid they’ll judge him. But this girl, Susan, she looked nice. She looked accepting.   
“They’re for my boyfriend,” Phil said. He saw Susan raise her eyebrows for a moment. She slowly nodded.   
“Did you do something wrong and need to make it up to him?” she smiled.   
“No, he’s in the hospital,” Phil sighed. He didn’t like talking about it. “But I really don’t want to talk about it.”  
“I understand.” He handed her the money. “Thank you, have a nice day.”  
Phil suddenly noticed the scented candles behind her. He pointed at a black one.   
“Can I have that one too?” he asked, forgetting Dan couldn’t see it was black. Susan grabbed it and put it on the counter.   
“That is £3 extra,” she said and Phil handed her the extra money and thanked her again. He walked out of the shop and put the candle in the bag of clothes. He held the bouquet in his hand and breathed in the scent. He sighed. That does smell good, indeed. He looked at his phone. His taxi is almost at their street. He started walking a bit faster, he couldn’t be late for his own taxi. After walking a few minutes, he stood on the street, waiting for the taxi he ordered. He saw one coming from the distance. It stopped next to him as Phil checked his watch. 12:50. Just in time. He got in.   
“So where are you heading, lad,” the cabby driver said.   
“London bridge hospital, please,” Phil politely said. The taxi started to move.   
“We’ll be there in 7 minutes,” he said. “What are you doing at the hospital, mate? Something wrong?”  
“Yeah…” Phil sighed. “Very, very wrong.”  
“Uh-oh, who is it?” the driver said, looking in the mirror to look Phil in the eyes.   
“My boyfriend,” Phil looked at the ground, blinking the upcoming tears away. “He has a tumor and will be gone in a few weeks… he already lost his eyesight. He is only 24 years old.”  
“Sorry to hear that, Mate,” he said empathetic. “It’ll get better, trust me it will. My wife died in a car accident 2 years ago. Man, I thought I’d never be able to be happy again. But here I am. Happy as can be. Hang in there, lad. And the bridge hospital is very good. Don’t worry. My wife was there too. They did everything to save her.”  
“Thank you,” Phil said with a soft smile. “I really appreciate that. I’m sorry for your loss, though. But it was really sudden. Dan, that’s his name, suddenly woke up blind. And when we rushed to the hospital, they told us this. The doctor who told us was in a very bad mood, I think. He had a lack of empathy and wasn’t nice at all.”  
“Let me guess,” the driver sighed and turned right. “Mister Smith. Yeah, I met him. He wasn’t in a bad mood. That’s just who he is.”  
“Oh, I don’t know his name, sir,” Phil said. “I’ll ask for it.”  
The cab slowed down and stopped in front of the hospital.   
“Have a nice day with your boyfriend, lad,” the driver said.   
“Thank you,” Phil smiled and reached for his wallet. The driver raised his hand and smiled.   
“Keep it son,” he said. “Good luck.”  
“Really? Thank you! We need more people like you,” Phil said and got out of the cab. He bowed down and thanked the driver again. He shut the door and waved at the cab driving away. He swore he saw a hand waving back. Phil smiled to himself and walked into the white building.


	6. First Visit

Phil felt his blood flowing quicker through his veins when he saw Dan’s room from the distant. He smiled and looked at the flowers. He hoped he’d like them. He probably would. It’s Dan after all. Phil entered the room and saw Dan lying in bed. He was smiling and stared straight forward. When he heard someone coming in, he turned his head towards the sound.   
“Hey, Dan!” Phil said smiling. “How are you?”  
“I’m Dan…” Dan said dreamy and he swayed his head from side to side.   
“Yes…” Phil said approaching Dan. “You are. Are you alright?”  
“I am very right,” Dan said and reached his hands towards Phil’s sound. “Right as right can be.”  
“Okay…” Phil said and sat down in the chair next to Dan’s bed. He grabbed one of Dan’s hands. “Should I call a nurse? You’re not acting normal, I’m calling a nurse. How do I call a nurse?”  
“With the button,” Dan said and started giggling.   
“Where is that button?” Phil said, getting slightly annoyed by his boyfriend. Dan threw his free hand in the air.   
“I dunno man,” he said. “I can’t see it.”  
“Okay, I’ll go to the reception,” Phil said and stood up. He put the bag with clothes on the ground and laid the flowers on the chair. He left the room. He quickly walked to the reception. When he got there, he saw a woman sitting on a chair behind the counter. She was doing something on the computer. Phil leaned against the counter and cleared his throat, which made the woman look up.   
“Hello, I’m visit Daniel James Howell,” Phil said. “That is D. J. Howell. And he is acting very strange. Did they do something to him?”  
“D. J. Howell?” she asked and typed something. She let her eyes slide over the bright computer screen. “Yeah, they just gave him his medication. He’ll be normal in a few hours.”  
“A few hours? I can’t stay a few hours!” Phil said disappointed.   
“Why not? Not family?” she asked and observed Phil. Phil shook his head. “What are you then?”  
Phil sighed. This is the 3rd time he is forced to come out to someone. Phil gave her a nervous smile.   
“He’s my boyfriend,” he said and looked at the ground, ready to get his judgement. To get his dirty looks and maybe some names. But the woman behind the counter barely responded to the fact he was gay.   
“How long have you been in a relationship with him?” she simply asked.   
“Six years in October,” Phil said, remembering it all very clear. “But we never got married, so… yeah. Not family. Not able to stay for longer than an hour.”  
“Do you want to get married to him?”  
“Yes, of course.”  
“Does he want to get married to you?”  
“I guess… probably, yes.”  
“Then get married.”  
“He is not able to leave the hospital,” Phil sighed. He didn’t want to be remember of things that never will happen. Of course, getting married to Dan would be so perfect. And all their family would be here, together. So they can also say goodbye to Dan. It would all be so beautiful and great. A little light in this time of darkness.   
“Marry in the hospital, then,” the woman said without looking up at Phil, whose eyes started sparkling with excitement.   
“Is that possible?” he asked, a smile growing from ear to ear.   
“Well, we get that a lot actually. When person A and B want to get married, but person B can’t leave the hospital. We plan the entire thing here. We’ve done it pretty often. But never with a same sex couple. But that won’t be a problem.”  
The woman saw Phil’s growing excitement and smiled. She gave him a shoulder pat.   
“Go buy a ring, son,” she said smiling. Phil nodded. He thanked the woman and turned around, walking back to the room.   
“And now he’s high, I can totally measure his ring finger!” Phil yelled at the woman. She just smiled and waved. Phil walked faster. He’s going to get married! Phil opened the door to see Dan crawling towards the door, next to his bed.   
“Dan?” Phil asked. He quickly walked to him and crouched next to him. “What the HELL are you doing.”  
“Ssssshhh,” Dan said and tried to push his index finger against Phil’s lips, missing completely. He waved his finger around a few times, searching for Phil’s face. “Phil is coming soon. He cannot know I’m out of bed. He will be angry and worried.”  
“Dan, Phil already knows you’re out of bed,” Phil giggled and helped Dan up. “And he is not angry. But he is very worried.”  
“Nooooooo…” Dan whined as Phil guided him to his bed, he felt Dan struggle for a moment. “I don’t want to go back to bed.”  
“Why not?” Phil asked and started to give him soft pushes in his back. “You never wanted to come out of bed when we were home.”  
“I want to be were the people are!” Dan said, imitating Ariel from The Little Mermaid. He started to push against Phil. After a few seconds, he sighed and gave up.   
“I never thought I would hear you say that,” Phil said giggling and laid Dan down on the bed. He sat down next to him. Dan started to wave his hands in the air, almost hitting Phil in the face. He quickly dodged the flying hands.   
“Jesus, Dan,” Phil laughed. “How high are you?”  
“No, no, no,” Dan sighed. He held one finger up, next to his face. “It’s ‘Hi, how are you?’”  
Phil smiled and laid down next to him. He looked at Dan.  
“Hey, Dan,” Phil said.   
“Hmm,” Dan mumbled.   
“Give me your hand,” Phil said. He didn’t wait for an answer and just grabbed his left hand. Shit, no tape-measure. He looked around for a second and saw a carton McDonalds box laying on the little table next to him. “I can see someone brought you McDonalds.”  
“Macy did,” Dan smiled. “She is a very nice help human.”  
“Nurse,” Phil corrected him. He swiftly grabbed the box and ripped it to one long strip. Dan was getting tired of someone holding his hand, and started waving it. Phil didn’t expect this and let go, accidentally. He quickly grabbed it again, which Dan tried to pull his hand away from Phil. Phil sighed frustrated as Dan’s hand escaped his again. While he was attempting to grab it, Dan quickly shove them underneath his bum and sat on them. Phil started pulling his arm up, so Dan clung them against his body. Phil stopped pulling his arms and tried to push Dan, so he could reach his hands. This was absolutely no use. Phil threw his hands annoyed in the air.   
“Dan!” he said slightly angry. “You are absolutely impossible! Give me your fucking hand!”  
“Never!” Dan said and turned his face away from Phil.   
“Dan…” Phil said, trying to sound intimidating and threatening. “I will tell Phil that you’re out of bed if you don’t give me your hand RIGHT now. He also will be VERY angry at you if you don’t obey.”  
“Phil will never be very angry,” Dan said cocky. “And he is mine.”  
“Dan, give me your hand,” Phil said. ‘High-Dan’ really knew how to push his buttons. “Now. Or I will swear to god that Phil will be very VERY angry at you.”  
He saw Dan hesitating for a second. He gave him a small nod and leaned to the sides to let his hands escape his bum. Phil quickly took his left one, as that is the one you should put a ring on, and slid the strip around his ring finger, carefully measuring the outline. He then ripped the carton that was too big off. Now he had a perfect carton ring for Dan’s finger. He let go of Dan’s hand and slid the piece of carton in his pocket. Phil quickly got his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. 14:01. He was already 1 minute too long with Dan.   
“I have to go now, Danny,” Phil said.   
“Already?” Dan asked, lifting his head a bit so he could put his hands behind it.   
“Yeah, time flies when you’re a piece of shit,” Phil smiled.   
“Window!” Dan said and pointed to the right. Phil nodded as he remembered his oath. “What do you see?”  
“Oh, so you do remember that,” Phil said smiling. Dan heard him walk to the right. “I see… I see a market. There is a market right now.”  
“What are they marketing?” Dan asked and pinched his cheek.   
“They’re selling fruit and vegetables to the right, and some bread in the middle,” Phil said. “Also clothes, a lot of clothes and jewelry.”  
“What kind of clothes?” Dan asked whilst squeezing his nostrils, making him sound like Squidward.   
“Shirts, blue and pink ones,” Phil said. “And dresses. Skirts too.”  
There were some knocks on the door and a nurse came in.   
“Who’s that?” Dan immediately asked, as if it was already a reflex. The nurse smiled at Phil, as if she already knew him.   
“It’s me, Daniel,” she said without breaking eye-contact with Phil.   
“Macy!” Dan yelled and reached with his hands towards the noise, squeezing the air. The nurse smiled.   
“Was it bearable hanging out with him like this?” she asked. “Oh, and my name is Mary. Not Macy.”  
“That’s fine. And absolutely unbearable,” Phil laughed and told the ‘hand’ story. Mary laughed. She had a beautiful smile, Phil noticed.   
“Where did you need his hand for, anyway?” she asked curiously.   
“Secret,” Phil said. “Dan can’t know.”  
“I won’t tell Dan,” Dan interrupted. “I swear, I won’t tell him. I don’t want to talk to him anyway. I’m very angry with him.”  
“Why?” Phil asked. Why would he be angry with himself?  
“Because he’s been a very stupid boy!” Dan said angry and folded his arms. “He didn’t tell his boyfriend about his headaches, and now he has to die! Very dumb of him. His boyfriend was also angry at him for it. And I understand that. Dan is just young and stupid.”  
“Young and stupid,” Phil slowly replied. “He sure is. But I think I have to go now. Goodbye Mary, it was really nice meeting you. I hope you survive with-” Phil pointed at Dan “-‘this’.”   
“It’ll be alright, he is a very nice man if he’s normal,” Mary said, smiling at Dan as if it was a little kid. “I’ll put the flowers you brought in a vase. He’ll love them when he’s normal again. I saw you picked Jasmines. They smell really good!”  
“I know, that’s why I picked them” Phil said and smiled. “See you two tomorrow!”  
Phil bowed down and pecked Dan on his forehead, immediately getting pushed away by Dan.  
“Don’t kiss me! I have a boyfriend!” Dan yelled and protected his head with his arms. Phil simply smiled and waved at Mary. He then left the room.


	7. Alone

Phil pushed the key in the keyhole and smiled to himself. Dan was acting so silly. He should’ve asked him stuff about things he always wanted to know. Like, how much he loves Phil. But Phil is a good man and didn’t take any advantage of the drugged boy. Phil slowly turned the key and pushed the door open. He stepped inside of the apartment and locked the door behind him. He inhaled the scent of his boyfriend which was still smellable. He sighed deeply and leaned against the door, looking at the crazy amount of stairs. He slowly sunk down onto his bum and pushed his knees against his chest. He wrapped his arms around his legs and laid his head on his knees, feeling the loneliness crash into him. He suddenly remembers how much living alone sucks. He is living alone now. Knowing that his flat mate and best friend will never take a step in this apartment again, he breaks into tears. His shoulders shook violently and he slowly got up. He doddered up the stairs, to his bedroom and opened the door. He saw his razor laying on his nightstand.  
Yes.   
“No…” Phil whispered, trying to be stern. But the wicked voice in his head spoke to him. Demanding. Threatening.   
Yes.  
Phil felt himself crave for the metal to collide with his skin again. He wanted it so bad, but at the same time he knew how disappointed Dan would be if he knew. He would be so sad if he heard that his pathetic boyfriend couldn’t keep himself together. Dan literally already lost his eyesight and Phil couldn’t handle it.   
“Pathetic,” Phil whispered as he grabs the blade again and walks to the bathroom. Even though he is alone, he locks it. Just in case. He rolls up his sleeve and admires the cuts. He thought about Susan who asked him what happened. He needs to make a list of excuses. People that personally know him will know that he’s allergic to cats. He tightened the grip on the blade, running his thumb over the sharp side. He felt the blade dig in his skin. Not deep enough to let the blood flow.   
Yes.  
Phil shook his head and wanted to drop the blade, but his hand wouldn’t let it go. Everything inside him screamed for the razor to invade the pale skin on his arm. Phil squeezed his eyes shut and put the point on the razor against his arm, feeling the sharpness, but he didn’t press it in.   
Now.  
Phil pressed the point of the blade down into his arm and made a long deep cut over his arm.   
“Pathetic,” Phil whispered again and made the cut, overlapping the ones he made the day before.   
“Worthless,” Phil said a little louder as he made his second cut underneath the one he just made, longer than the other one.   
“Weak,” Phil said even louder and made a horizontal one, overlapping the other two. Letting the blood spill over the white tiles.   
“Nothing!” he screamed and cut another horizontal one, underneath the other horizontal one and again overlapping the two long ones. Phil felt himself search for his balance as his energy raced out of his body. He quickly grabbed the sink as he almost fell over. He grabbed a towel from the rack and desperately pushed it against the heavily bleeding cuts. Phil felt the pain, it soothed his needs. But it was for such a short amount of time. This is the addicting part Phil knew. So that’s why people cut. It gives them distraction. For one moment, you don’t feel the pain, the loss, the hurt. All you feel is that razor going into your skin, the blood dripping down your arm. You don’t think about how alone you are or how worthless you are. You don’t think about the way people talk about you behind your back. You don’t think about your family fighting or your friends hating you. All you think about is the blood. And the addicting part? Well that’s when all the hurt and pain comes crashing back. When the cut isn’t fresh and you can feel all the buildup of sadness and loneliness inside you. So you have to do it again, but a little deeper so the numbness will last longer. And as the pain on the inside gets worse and worse you have to make the pain on the outside worse and worse. It’s all about control. You have it. You can’t control the pain on the inside so you get to control it on the outside.  
Phil checked underneath the towel if the cuts were still bleeding. It stopped. Phil quickly undressed like he did the day before and hopped in the shower, trying to wash the miserableness off of him. Which didn’t work. He sighed deeply as he lathers himself, ignoring the stinging in the wounds, and washes the foam off of his body. He wished Dan was here with him. Phil’s eyes widened. Dan. The marriage. The proposal. The ring! He needed to buy the ring!

“Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey,” Mary said and shook Dan’s shoulder. Dan snorted loudly as he was heavily asleep. Mary was holding a plate with eggs and bacon for him as dinner. Not a proper dinner, but Dan has been sleeping since Phil left. What a decent young man, Mary thought when she saw him. She completely agreed with Dan on his beautiful blue eyes. She started to pinch Dan’s face.   
“Dan, wake up,” she said. No response. She sighed annoyed and held the plate with the fresh eggs and bacon underneath his nose. And yes, like a dog, Dan started sniffing and opened his eyes, exposing the empty, grey irises. Mary laughed as she saw Dan sniffing the food.   
“You have been sleeping all afternoon,” Mary said, checking her watch. “Your medication has worked out, so you must be normal now.”  
“Normal?”  
“Yes, normal,” Mary said, “You’ve been acting like a fool all day.”  
“Oh okay, when will Phil come?” Dan asked and rubbed his eyes, hoping that he might catch a glimpse of the world, no effect.   
“He was here at 1pm,” Mary smiled. “What a lovely fellow.”  
“Where was I?” Dan asked as he digs through his memory, searching for one of this afternoon, no effect.   
“You were here, it was hilarious,” Mary said, she suddenly remembers the flowers. She grabs them out of the vase and pushed them underneath Dan’s nose. “He brought these flowers. And your clothes.”  
Dan deeply inhaled the sweet scent of the jasmines and sighed deeply as he started liking the aroma more and more. Mary grabbed the bag of clothing and looked in it.   
“Wow, what a selection of colors you have in your drawer,” she laughed. “A full rainbow, indeed.”  
“It reflects the emptiness of my soul,” Dan chuckled. “I love black. It’s so deep and beautiful.”  
“Indeed, Daniel,” Mary said and saw the black candle. “Oh, look at that. Phil also bought you a candle!”  
She took it out of the bag and smelled it.   
“A scented one!” she said. “I’ll ask if I can light it later.”  
“I want to smell it now!” Dan whined. “Please.”  
“Daniel, you’re such a pain in the ass,” Mary sighs. “I can’t say it enough times. Impossible. I’ll ask Mister Smith now, because you said please.”  
“Thanks, Mary,” Dan said smiling. “You’re and angel. Too good for this world.”  
“Bitch, please. I know,” Mary said, and with that she left. She closed the door behind her and sighed heavily. She absolutely hated the doctor. She swiftly walked towards the doctor’s office, hoping he wasn’t there so she had an excuse not to talk to him. She stood in front of the office and knocked on the door, silently praying.   
“Yes?” doctor Smith’s voice said from the other side of the door.   
“Mary Jones,” Mary said, already regretting she went over here.   
“Come in.” Mary opened the door and saw Doctor Smith sitting on his chair, doing something on his computer.   
“I’m here to ask if D. J. Howell can light the candle that P. M. Lester gave him,” Mary said, as nice as she can. Trying so hard. But failing anyway.   
“Light a candle?” doctor Smith asked, looking up from his computer. “LIGHT a candle? That’s way too dangerous! Honestly, I expected better of you, Miss Jones.”  
“It’s just a candle,” Mary said. “I will be there the whole time.”  
“The man is blind! Where does he need a candle for?” Doctor Smith asked annoyed, and started focusing on his computer again.   
“It’s a scented one,” Mary said. “I will be there the whole time, I promise. Trust me.”  
“Okay, miss Jones,” Doctor Smith sighed. “Don’t disappoint me, though.”  
“I won’t,” Mary said, a smile growing on her face. Forgetting what kind of asshole he is. “Thank you, sir. Thank you!”  
She walked out of the office, smiling to herself. A lighter. She needs a lighter. Or matches. Matches. They had matches in the room. She quickly walked back to Dan’s room. Dan heard the door open.   
“Who’s there? Mary?” he asked timidly.   
“Yeah, it’s me,” Mary said. “I can light the candle, now. I hope it smell good.”  
“What color is the candle?” Dan asked curiously.   
“Apparently, the color of your soul,” Mare smiled and grabbed it. She opened a drawer and took the matchbox that was lying in it. She heard Dan chuckle and whisper something to himself, not being able to fully understand it. She put the candle on the little table next to Dan’s bed and set it alight.   
“Did you light it?” Dan asked.   
“Yes,” Mary said. Dan started eagerly sniffing the air. Mary laughed when she saw it. “It takes a while to spread its scent, Daniel. You look like a dog needing to find drugs.”  
“I just really want to smell it,” Dan said smiling. “Phil knows me so good. I’m so lucky with him. He’s the best. I dare you to find someone sweeter than Phil Lester.”  
“I don’t take this dare, Daniel,” Mary laughed. “He is a very decent young man.”  
“I know,” Dan sighed. “And he’s MY decent young man.”  
“I know,” Mary smiled. “What is he doing now? Take a guess?”  
“God know what he gets up to when he’s alone!” Dan laughed as he starts to smell the aroma of the candle. Cinnamon, Dan recognizes.   
“Well… he is a man,” Mary giggled. “And his boyfriend won’t be there for a while…”  
“Shut up,” Dan giggled.   
“Well, you never know!” Mary laughed.   
“I will ask him tomorrow!” Dan laughed. “Let’s see what he get up to!”

Phil tried to suppress a sob when he ended the editing. He clicked the Twitter icon and started writing a tweet, not noticing that a tear was dripping down again.  
Phil Lester   
“I’m uploading a video. There is some news. I’m really sorry, but there is nothing we can do.”  
He added the link of the video and his mouse floated over the Tweet! Button. He hesitated. Should he really? He clicked the big, blue, happy button. Immediately shutting down the computer, not being able to read the comments. He walked to his bedroom and laid down. Heavy sigh. He ran his hands over the fresh cuts. Regret filled his body. Why was he being so weak? He wiped away a tear. He didn’t go out yet to buy a ring. He couldn’t do it yet. Weak.   
“Weak and worthless…” Phil whispered and ran his fingers over the cuts again. He loved Dan so much. And he knew so well that he won’t be able to live without him. He just can’t. What do you do when you lose your world? Dan was his world. He loved him ever since he saw him getting out of that train. With his sleeves half over his hands, like an awkward teenager. He looked so cute. He loved him since their eyes first met. And when he saw the smile growing across Dan’s face. A light blush would appear. First walking towards each other, then running. And a long embrace. Phil sighed as he remembered the sweet memory of their first meet up. He knew that his original plan was to propose at the train station. So he could say some beautiful words about how this was the place they first met, and where he wants to be with him, forever. And then he would go to his knee. But now he had to do that in a hospital. With sterile white walls. Nothing special. An idea popped in his head. He would open the P.O. Box and fans would send drawings! And Dan could hang them up in the hospital! That’s going to be so nice! Phil quickly opened his laptop again next to his bed to go to Twitter and tweet the idea. He typed in the P.O. Box address.   
“Send us cool drawings to cheer up Dan!” Phil whispered as he typed it in. Tweet! Phil closed his laptop and put it down next to him. He got up from his bed and took of his sweater. He looked in the mirror at his body. His pale, bare torso greeting him. He sighed and took off his pants too, only wearing his boxers, he walked into Dan’s room. He slipped in his bed and grabbed one of his pillows. He deeply inhaled Dan’s scent. Some perfume mixed with sweat. Doesn’t sound nice. Nicest thing in the world. He closed his eyes, imagining Dan would be here with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read this, you know there was some self-harm again. If you don't agree with the feelings Phil is having, I can totally understand. As I had a problem like this, I wrote this entirely how I experienced it. Everyone experiences it differently


	8. Parents

Phil woke up to the sound of his ringtone. He groaned and picked up the phone, which was laying on the nightstand next to him.   
“Phil Lester speaking,” he groaned and rubbed his eyes as he slowly sat up.   
“Hello, Mister Lester,” an unfamiliar voice said. “You recently opened your P.O. Box again, and you’ve got too many packages send.”  
“What?” Phil said and widened his eyes. “Too many?”  
“Yes. Will you pick them up, or do you want us to bring them. That’s 15 pounds extra,” he continued.   
“Please, bring them,” Phil said with a growing smile. So many fans already send their art! “How many packages are we talking about?”  
“The counter is now on…” a short silence fell. “It’s 356 now. It’s still counting up. I will refresh it and… oh, it’s 453 now.”  
“Wow! Thanks a lot!” Phil smiles. He knew there were going to be a lot of messages, but SO many? No.   
“Okay, we’ll be there in an hour,” the man on the other line said.   
“Thanks, I’ll be there waiting!” Phil said and hang up. He laid back in his bed. He held his phone against his bare torso and sighed. The fans really cared. They cared so much about Phil, about Dan’s wellbeing. Phil swiftly got up from the bed to get dressed. He opened his closet and grabbed his lion shirt. He pulled it over his bare torso. The black jeans from yesterday still looked good. He put those on too. He walked to the bathroom. He noticed that he didn’t clean it yet. The white tiles, dark red and brown blood spatters and stains. He ran his fingers over his cuts, remembering and regretting what he did. He knew he needed it. He knows he still does. He grabbed a towel and pushed it in the sink. He let the water flow over the towel, making it soaking wet. He threw it on the floor, a big ‘flatsh’ filled the room. Water splattered everywhere. Phil sighed and started wiping the blood with his foot on the towel. The towel started to gain color. Phil cursed himself for doing something stupid like this. He grabbed the towel from the floor and threw it in the shower, making another ‘flatsh’ sound. The floor was damp and slippery so he grabbed another towel and threw it on the floor. He stood on it as he brushed his teeth and fixed his fringe. He observed himself in the mirror. In front of him stood a skinny pale boy with pitch black hair and blue eyes. The person in front of him seemed happy, a bit of stubble on his face and a fun lion shirt. But if you looked better, you saw that he was hiding his sadness. The shirt had short sleeves which ended underneath his shoulders. And if you looked closely, you do not even had to look closely, you saw red stripes on his arm. Phil rotated his arm until all the cuts were visible in the mirror. So many dark cuts. Phil sighed and went back to his room, picking another shirt. A jumper, it’s Dan’s but he probably doesn’t mind. Phil just didn’t want the world to know about his cuts. About his weakness.

“Wakey, wakey, vegetables,” Mary said as she entered Dan’s room. She saw Dan’s back, his face towards the wall. She heard him groan.   
“What time is it…” he asked, grabbing his duvet and pulled it up higher.   
“Breakfast time!” Mary said smiling and put it on the little nightstand next to Dan’s bed. “It’s noon, again. So your boyfriend will be here soon.”  
“What is my 5stars breakfast for today?” Dan asked and turned his body towards the sound of Mary’s voice.  
“Veggies,” Mary said. “Peas and carrots.”  
“I hate peas, I hate carrots,” Dan said and turned away again, to his original position.   
“Daniel, please,” Mary sighed. “It’s healthy. I can’t get you fries every day, sweetie.”  
“You’re right,” Dan said and sat up. “I’m sorry. Give me the fork.”  
“Good boy,” Mary said and patted his shoulder. She handed him the fork and guided it to a carrot. Dan pushed the fork down and impaled it deeply. Mary guided it to his mouth. When Dan closed his mouth and started chewing, his face changed from happy to disgusting.   
“Not good?” Mary asked.   
“A bit not good,” Dan said and shook his head. “I’m sorry.”  
“No, you can’t help it,” Mary said. “I’ll get you something else. Something healthy, though. You need to eat healthy!”  
“You sound like my mom,” Dan said.   
“Speaking about moms,” Mary said. “I haven’t met your family yet. Why aren’t they visiting?”  
“Phil probably didn’t tell it yet,” Dan said. “So they don’t know it.”  
“I can call for you, if you want to,” Mary said. “It’s okay.”  
“Really? You want to do that for me?” Dan asked happy. “Thank you! Give me that plate. I’ll finish it before you get back.”

“Coming!” Phil yelled as he heard the doorbell ring. He’s wearing one of Dan’s sweatshirts. The grey one with the little horns on top of it. Not going to lie, but Phil knew he looked good in that sweater. And it still had Dan’s scent in it. Phil ran down the stairs, almost tripping over his own feet. He opened the door. A postman stood in front of the door. A big white van.   
“Packages for P. M. Lester,” the postman said without any emotions.   
“Yes, that’s me,” Phil said smiling. The postman looked inside of the house and saw the stairs.   
“Good luck with carrying all this, mate,” he smiled.   
“I’m just going to unpack a few and bring them to my friend in the hospital in a few days,” Phil said. “So I’m not going to carry anything! I will leave it in the hallway!”  
“Okay, I need you to sign here and here,” the postman showed Phil a piece of paper and gave him a pen. Phil quickly signed it. Some men got out of the white van and opened trunk, exposing the load of packages. The men that got out of the van started carrying the packages into the hallway. Phil started helping the men and in about 10 minutes they finished. Phil waved at the postmen as they drove away. Phil shut the door and turned to all the packages. Hundreds of packages. White, black and colored. Phil sat down and grabbed one. A big white one. He ripped the tape of the box and opened it. Phil smiled. It was filled with Maltesers. There was a drawing with a letter on the back. Phil grabbed the letter and slowly read it.   
“Hey Dan and Phil,” he whispered. “I love you guys so much. And I hope you guys know that. Phil, stay strong. You can do it. The whole Phandom believes in you. Dan, we are all devastated. But we still love you. And we will be there for you guys. Until the end. And even after that.”  
Phil smiled. He turned the paper around to see a beautiful drawing of them with cat whiskers. Phil slid his fingers over Dan’s face.   
“I’m sorry,” Phil whispered as he thought about his cuts. He was going to stop. Today. Never again. He grabbed another package. This one was bright blue with a lot of happy faces on it. He opened it, finding another drawing and more sweets. And a letter. Phil grabbed it and flipped it around. There aren’t any words on it? He ran his fingers over the paper, feeling bobbles. Braille? A fan sent a letter, so Dan can read it with his fingers? That’s so awesome! What time is it? 12:45. He needed to hurry up if he wanted to come in time. He quickly put on his coat and waited for the taxi to arrive.

“Hello, this is Adrian,” a young voice said from the other side of the phone.   
“Hello, Adrian,” Mary said. “This is Mary Jones from the London Bridge hospital. Are your parents home?”  
“Is there something wrong…?” Adrian asked.   
“I need one of your parents,” Mary said stern. Some stumbling on the other side.   
“Mom?” Adrian yelled. “I’ve got a lady from a hospital on the phone! Maybe there’s something wrong with Dan!”  
More stumbling.   
“Hello?” a female voice asked timidly. “What’s wrong? What’s happening?”  
“I’m calling because of your son,” Mary said. “Maybe you should sit down for a moment.”  
“I’m perfectly fine standing, Ma’am,” the woman said. “Please, tell me what’s wrong with my Daniel.”  
“He’s had a lot of headaches lately, but he never reported it,” Mary started. “He woke up blind a few days ago. He hand his partner Philip went to our hospital. It’s a tumor.”  
“Oh god…” the woman gasped. “When will he get better?”  
Mary stayed silence for a few seconds. What is she supposed to say? How do you tell someone nicely their son is about to die?  
“He won’t, ma’am,” Mary said. “We’re really sorry. You can visit straight away. The room is 209B so…”  
“There must be some kind of mistake,” the voice on the other side said trembling. “Please, tell me that it’s a mistake. That can’t be my Daniel.”  
“I’m so sorry, ma’am,” Mary said. “It’s not a mistake.”  
“How long,” she said. “How long does he have?”  
“A few weeks,” Mary said. “Two, maybe three.”  
“Oh, god…” the voice said. “I’m on my way. 209B, right?”  
“Yes, I will see you soon, then,” Mary said.   
“You will, thanks for calling,” the voice said and hung up. Mary sighed as she put the phone back in his holder. She hated doing the calling. The calling is the worst. It’s terrible to tell people their beloved will die soon. Or are horribly sick. She quickly walked back to Dan’s room. She opened the door.   
“Who’s there?” Dan asked.  
“It’s me,” Mary said. “Your family are on their way, right now. Phil will be here soon too.”  
“Will my dad come?” Dan asked.  
“Maybe, I don’t know,” Mary said. “Probably.”  
“Shit,” Dan said. “I finished the vegetables, by the way.”  
“That’s great, Daniel,” Mary said when she saw the empty plate. “But what’s wrong with your dad coming around?”  
“Phil and my dad,” Dan sighed. “Not good.”  
“Not good?”  
“A bit not good,” Dan said. “Phil celebrated Christmas at our place and when my dad and Phil were alone, he said some horrible things to him. My dad doesn’t agree with me that I’m gay. He thinks Phil is too old.”  
“How old is he then?” Mary asked. “He doesn’t look that old.”  
“He is 28. And I’m 24,” Dan said.  
“That’s not that big of a difference,” Mary said.  
“Well, my dad thinks different about that,” Dan sighed. “What time is it?”  
The door opened.  
“Hello?” a familiar voice said. The heart monitor started to pick up its pace.  
“Phil!” Dan said happy. He reached his arms out towards Phil’s sound. Phil laughed and gave him a hug. He felt Dan’s long arms wrap around him and hug him tightly. Phil deeply inhaled Dan’s scent. They broke away at the same time. Phil sat next to Dan on his bed and put an arm around his shoulder. He pulled Dan closer to him and turned his face to him. Phil caressed Dan’s cheek.  
“You’re so beautiful,” Phil whispered and pushed Dan’s fringe back a bit. “So beautiful.”  
Dan chuckled.  
“I bet you are too,” he whispered.  
“Okay, I’m going to go now,” Mary said. “Have fun you two. There are no condoms here but…”  
“Mary!” Dan laughed.  
“Yeah, okay. Bye,” she laughed. The door closed. Phil cupped Dan’s cheek. Complete silence. Nothing but the heart monitor.  
“Kiss me, you idiot,” Dan chuckled and with that Phil leaned forwards and pressed his soft lips against Dan’s. Dan softly moaned into the kiss as Phil pushed him down a bit. Phil started to kiss more and more desperate and he felt Dan tongue against his bottom lip, begging for entrance. Phil parted his lips and Dan pressed his tongue in, intertwining with Phil’s. Phil slowly parted his legs to sit on Dan’s thighs. Phil moaned as he felt Dan’s clothed erection underneath the duvet. Dan hands found Phil’s zipper and undid his jeans. He slipped his hand in Phil’s underwear, who moaned at the soft touch of Dan’s warm hands. The heart monitor went faster, and faster. Phil eagerly stroked Dan’s hair and kissed him harder. He started thrusting against Dan’s hand, making him harder and harder. He started to kiss Dan’s neck, the weak spot. Dan gasped when Phil found his spot. He sucked and licked the skin of Dan’s neck as he felt Dan wrap his fingers around him. Phil sighed of pleasure.   
“Oh my god!” a female voice echoed through the room. Phil quickly broke away from the kiss and saw Dan’s mom in the doorway, together with Phil’s little brother Adrian and Dan’s dad. He was not looking happy. Dan sat up, without thinking and threw Phil accidentally off the bed. Dan heard a loud thump and an ‘Wow, ouch shit’. Phil quickly zipped up his jeans and buttoned it. He slowly got up, a face filled with shame.   
“Mom?” Dan asked. He felt his face redden at the realization that his family was here now. And they caught him and his boyfriend, just casually making out. He suddenly felt like a teenager again.   
“Yes,” his mom said. “And your brother, and your dad.”  
“Hi,” Dan said. “I would say ‘nice to see you again’. But, yeah…”  
“Hello Mister and Miss Howell,” Phil said with an innocent smile. “Adrian, what’s up.”  
“Hey, Phil,” Adrian said, his eyes filled with terror.   
“Yes, Phil,” Dan’s father said, squinting his eyes. “Hello.”  
An awkward silence fell. The heart monitor started slowing down.   
“So…” Dan said, he wanted to break the silence. Make it less awkward. But as we all know Dan, he is only making it worse.  
“So…” Phil said. The level of awkwardness drastically increased. Phil still felt his erection pulsing in his jeans. If it was going down, it was taking it’s goddamn time.   
“How… how’ve you been recently?” Dan’s mom asked as they all slowly entered the room. Mary already put some extra chairs in the room. They all sat down.   
“I’m going to the bathroom,” Phil said and quickly escaped the room, but not to go to the bathroom, but to stand next to the door, listening to what Dan’s family has to say. Dan’s father shook his head.  
“Dan, he’s not right for you,” he said. “Now, I just met a lovely woman, and she has the most beautiful daughter. So I thought…”  
“Okay, I’m going to stop you right there,” Dan said. “No.”  
“Dan,” his father sighed. “I only want the best for you.”  
“I dare you to find someone better then Phil Lester,” Dan said angry. Phil is an amazing person! He always has been.  
“Daniel… your father is right,” Dan’s mother started. “We only want the best for you, and I think that Phil isn’t…”  
“What? Not good enough?” Dan started to get angry. “It’s more like, the other way around.”  
“Dan, I’ve bought a new game,” Adrian interrupted. “It’s pretty awesome.”  
“Cool, what’s it called?” Dan asked, trying to change the subject. Phil heard enough and came in again.  
“Hello,” Phil said. Dan’s father only glared at him for a moment. Dan’s mom just tried to smile at him.  
“Battlefield Hardline,” Adrian said.  
“I’ve heard it before, yes,” Dan said and turned his head to Phil’s sound and smiled at him. Dan patted the space next to him, so Phil sat down next to him, trying to ignore all the bad things he just heard. Dan searched for Phil’s hand, and started squeezing it softly. Phil laid his other hand on top of Dan’s. Another silence fell and all the eyes, that were able to see, where focused on Phil. He swallowed.  
“Don’t you think you’re a little old for Dan?” Dan’s father broke the silence and tilted his face.  
“Dad!” Dan said angrily. “If the only thing you’re going to do today, is to comment on Phil, you can go now.”  
“Dan,” Phil said and checked his phone for the time. “It’s almost 2pm. I’ll just go.”  
“No, Phil,” Dan said. “They’re family. They can be here anytime they want. You can only be here an hour a day. Please, stay.”  
“Be with your family, Dan,” Phil said. He stood up and gave Dan a kiss on his forehead. “I’ll be there again, tomorrow.”  
“I love you,” Dan said, extra loud to annoy his dad.   
“I love you too,” Phil said. “Goodbye Mr. and Miss. Howell. Bye Adrian.”  
Phil waved, but the only person that waved back, was Adrian.  
“What we were working on before they came in, we’ll finish that tomorrow!” Dan yelled as Phil left, his face started to get red.


	9. Sneaking

Phil closed the door behind him and sighed deeply.  
“You okay?” a sudden voice said. Mary.  
“No,” Phil said. “They fucking hate me.”  
“Who does?” Mary asked and laid a hand on his shoulder.  
“Dan’s family,” Phil sighed. “I was listening at the door, they weren’t so happy about me and Dan’s relationship. Especially Dan’s father. He really doesn’t agree with his son being gay. He keeps trying to set him up with pretty girls.”  
“Is that why you’re leaving early?” Mary asked. Phil nodded. “You shouldn’t leave, don’t show them you’re afraid! Just go back in there with me, and tell them that I’m Dan’s nurse you stumbled across in the hallway.”  
“Okay,” Phil said. “It’s only half past one anyway. But if it gets awkward, I will leave immediately. Or if they start commenting on me.”  
Phil took Mary’s wrist and pulled her into the room. He smiled.  
“Look who I ran into in the hallway! This is Mary,” he smiled, using his best acting skills. “It’s Dan’s nurse!”  
“Oh, hello,” Dan’s father said obviously satisfied about Mary’s appearance. Mary smiled awkwardly. Phil sat down on Dan’s bed. He felt Dan’s hand on his, again.  
“Mary Jones,” she said and shook everyone’s hand. “Nice to meet you all.”  
“You too,” Adrian said shyly.  
“Has Dan behaved a bit?” Dan’s mother asked smiling.   
“He’s a very kind person,” Mary said smiling. “But he complains a lot.”  
“Mary, you don’t have to tell my parents that!” Dan said. “I don’t complain THAT much.”  
“Yes, you do,” Mary laughed. “About the food!”  
“Daniel!” his mom said. “These people work hard for you to give you food. You should appreciate that!”  
“Sorry, mom,” Dan murmured. He heard Mary chuckle.  
“But further he’s been great,” Mary said. “I’m happy I can take care of a patient like him. I’ve had people who started yelling at you when they didn’t like something. Daniel would never do that.”  
“That’s very nice to hear,” Dan’s father said. And the conversation kept going like that. Just chit chat. Nothing actually important. Phil hadn’t said anything, still embarrassed by what happened earlier. He checked his phone. Not almost 2pm. But he had to get out of this awkward. He stood up from Dan’s bed.   
“I have to go now,” he said with a smile. “Nice to see you all again.” He pecked Dan’s forehead. “See you tomorrow.” Phil saw Dan’s father squint his eyes when Phil’s lips touched his son’s forehead. He turned around and walked to the door.  
“I love you!” Dan yelled at Phil, again mainly to annoy his dad.   
“Bye everyone, I love you too” Phil said as his face reddened. He powerwalked out with his head down. I’ll just walk home, he thought. Leaving Mary alone in the room with the Howell family.  
“Oh, is it so late already?” she said with her best acting skills. “I have to go to… the doctor that goes over this section of the hospital to tell him that there are no further problems.”  
Dan raised one eyebrow. He heard Mary leave. There was a short silence. Nothing but the heart monitor.  
“She is perfect for you,” Dan’s father said to break the silence. Dan sighed heavily.  
“Here we go,” Dan said. “Here we bloody go.”  
“I agree with Dan now,” Dan’s mom said. Dan turned his face towards her direction, giving her a thankful smile. “You know bloody well he is gay.”  
“No, he’s not!” Dan’s father said angrily. “It’s something his ‘boyfriend’ said! That man influenced him! Dan knows damn well he isn’t gay!”  
“Dad,” Dan said. His voice was demanding. “You just walked in on me almost fucking my boyfriend. And if you paid close attention, you saw how much I liked it.”  
“Ew, ew!” Adrian said and shook his head. “Can we please not talk about this.”  
“I’m telling you this, Dan,” his father kept on going. “Because I care about you. He is not good for you. He manipulated you. He is way older, you know he isn’t good.”  
“Leave,” Dan said. He can’t get over the fact that his father would say something like that. Phil is an amazing person. No one can talk about his boyfriend in that way. No one. Not even his own family.  
“Daniel…” Dan’s father said. Dan pointed at the door.  
“Leave now,” Dan said demanding, his voice trembling with anger. “Now.”  
“I only want the best for you…” Dan’s father tried.  
“I dare you to find someone better than Phil Lester,” Dan said. “Leave! All of you!”  
The family slowly got up from their seats and left. A soft ‘bye’ left Adrian’s lips. The door closed. Dan threw his head back. Why was his dad always like this? His hand searched the ‘nurse’ button. He pressed it in and held it at least 10 seconds. He heard footsteps running towards his room. Mary burst through the door.  
“What’s wrong!?” she yelled. Dan chuckled when he realized how worried Mary was. “You asshole! You got me scared to death!”  
“Comeback,” Dan said. “Why did you escape like that?”  
“It was too awkward,” she sighed. “Why did you call me.”  
“Can Phil come now, please,” Dan asked.  
“It’s already past 2pm…” Mary sighed.   
“Pleeeeeaaaaseee…” Dan asked. “Can’t we sneak him in?”  
“We could try,” Mary said, “How do you always do this, Daniel?”  
“Thanks, you’re the sweetest,” Dan said. “Can I call him?”  
“The phone is in the hallway,” Mary said, already knowing what Dan would say next.  
“Take me to the hallway, then,” Dan said. “Or wheel me to the hallway. Let me call him. Don’t you have a phone?”  
“I do but…”  
“Great, give it to me,” Dan said and reached out his hand towards Mary’s sound. “I know Phil’s number.”  
“Exactly how are we going to sneak him in?” Mary asked and grabbed her phone, unlocking it.   
“Just tell people he’s my cousin or brother,” Dan said.  
“Because lying in bed with your cousin or brother like that is totally normal,” Mary said.   
“My husband, then,” Dan sighed and started to say the numbers. Mary typed them in with a sigh.  
“This is a horrible idea,” she said as she tapped call and handed Dan the phone. “Do you want me to leave, or…?”  
“Unless you want to hear me say naughty things to my boyfriend,” Dan said with the voice of a little boy. Mary chuckled and quickly left. He listened to the ringing of the phone. “Please, pick up,” Dan whispered.   
“Hello?” a familiar voice said.  
“It’s me, come back to the hospital,” Dan said. “We’ll sneak you in and you can stay longer.”  
“What about your family?” Phil said nervously.   
“I sent them away,” Dan said quickly. “How long will it take to come?”  
“I’m not even home, I was walking,” Phil said. “But if I get a cab from here, I’ll be there in 5 or 10 minutes.”  
“Great, and hurry!” Dan said smiling. “I need you right now…”  
“I need you too,” Phil said, his voice getting lower and huskier than usual. All his words going straight to Dan’s cock.  
“Fuck, Phil. Just hurry,” Dan said. “You also still need to tell me what’s outside of the window.” And with that, the phone call ended. He sighed. He heard the door open.  
“It’s me,” Mary said. “You finished?”  
“Yeah,” Dan said.  
“Is he on his way?” Mary asked and grabbed her phone from Dan.  
“He’ll be here in 10 minutes,” Dan smiled. “Can he stay the night?”  
“I’ll do my best, Daniel,” Mary said. “You owe me, though.”  
“I do,” Dan smirked. “Do you’ve got some kind of lube in this hospital.”  
“Daniel!” Mary said and her face reddened in embarrassment. Dan shrugged with an innocent smile.   
“You must have something like lube her,” he continues.  
“Daniel James Howell,” Mary laughed. “I thought you and Phil were decent men.”  
“We are,” Dan said with a chuckle, “But we’ve got one rule. Classy on the streets and a freak in the sheets.”  
“Oh my…!” Mary exclaimed. “Going to keep that one in mind though. I’ll try my best. You owe me!”  
“Big time!” Dan said smiling. “You’re great! I’m so happy that you’re my nurse!”  
Mary smiled. It’s always nice to hear that. Dan sure is an amazing person. Don’t be too clingy, a voice in her head said, he’ll die soon. Mary quickly left the room, searching for what Dan asked her for. Dan sighed when he heard the door close. Mary sure was too sweet. 

“Taxi!” Phil yelled for the third time to a passing cab. It slowed down and stopped next to Phil. “Finally,” he whispered. He’s been standing next to the road for almost 10 minutes, yelling, begging for every cab to stop. The window of the driver rolled down and there was the old man he had an encounter earlier. The man smiled when he saw Phil’s familiar face.  
“Come in, son,” he said. “Robert’s the name.”  
“Phil,” Phil said with a smile and hopped in. “Bridge hospital, again.”  
The cab slowly started moving.   
“How was your boyfriend yesterday?” Robert and he glanced at the mirror to meet Phil’s eyes.  
“Tiring, they just gave him his medicine,” Phil told him. “He was acting all weird. You should’ve seen it. It was pretty hilarious.”  
Robert smiled. And turned right.  
“It’s always fun to see young love,” he said.  
“Well, I’m not that young,” Phil said.  
“How old are you then, lad,” Robert asked.  
“I turned 28 in February,” Phil said. He saw Robert’s eyes widen.  
“You look so much younger, son!” he said.  
“I get that a lot,” Phil smiled.  
“It’s past 2pm,” Robert noticed. “Why are you going to the hospital now?”  
“I just got a phone call, my boyfriend’s nurse will sneak me in,” Phil chuckled. “Because this afternoon, his family walked in on us in bed. It was not fun and very awkward. So I left early.”  
“That does sound extremely awkward!” Robert laughed. “I hope you’ll successfully get sneaked in.”  
“Same,” Phil smiled. The cab slowed down and stopped in front of the hospital.  
“Good luck, son,” Robert said and shook Phil’s hand. “I hope we can meet again in the future. You can ride for free.”  
“You’re a good person,” Phil smiled. “We need more people like you.”  
They said goodbye and the cab drove away. Phil waved again and turned to the hospital, seeing Mary signaling him to come in. Phil trotted inside and followed Mary.  
“Try to act natural,” Mary said. Phil shoved his hands in his pockets and started whistling and looking. “I’m serious!”  
“Sorry,” Phil chuckled and they power-walked to Dan’s room. Mary looked around and opened the door.  
“Who’s…” Dan started.  
“Us, you know that,” Mary interrupted. She walked to Dan’s bed and gave him a little bottle. “I found some. Don’t tell anybody, they need this for other stuff.”  
“Thanks, you’re the best,” Dan said. Mary left, leaving Dan and Phil alone. “I’m sorry about my dad.”  
“It’s okay,” Phil said and sat on Dan’s bed, cupping his cheek. “Let’s not think about that now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooooow two chapters in one day??? What am I????? A functional member of society????? Who writes gay porn????? smh


	10. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT

“Agree,” Dan said softly and felt Phil brush his lips against his. First slowly, but soon getting more and more eager for friction. Phil felt Dan’s lip part for a second and Phil seized his chance. He pushed his tongue in Dan’s mouth, intertwining with Dan’s, fighting for dominance. Dan’s hands found Phil’s collar and he slowly pulled Phil on top of him. Phil parted his legs and sat on Dan’s thighs, grinding against his crotch with his own. Dan moaned into the kiss as Phil started to kiss his jawline.  
“I want to fuck you so badly, baby,” Phil whispered in Dan’s ear and started to suck his earlobe.  
“Phil,” Dan whined and his fingers found their way into Phil’s hair, making it a mess. Phil pushed Dan’s duvet down and let his hands run over Dan’s clothed chest. He slipped his hands underneath Dan’s shirt, broke away from the kiss and pulled Dan’s shirt over his head. Phil started to kiss Dan’s neck, licking and sucking his way down. Dan gasped and Phil knew he found the right spot. Phil started to kiss Dan’s nipples, licking them and blowing them, making them hard. Phil started to kiss Dan’s weak spot in his neck again, one hand circling Dan’s nipples, the other one on Dan’s crotch. Dan moaned as he felt himself getting harder and harder underneath Phil’s touch. Dan moaned loudly when he felt Phil squeeze him softly. Dan’s hands found their way to Phil’s shirt and he pulled it off too. He ran his hands up and down Phil’s chest, trying to feel every inch of the smooth skin. His hands quickly found Phil’s jeans and undid them. He slid his hands into Phil’s underwear, feeling his throbbing member. Phil moaned when he felt Dan’s touch.  
“Baby…” Dan whispered. “I want you to ride me.”  
“Really? If you think that's okay, because I usually top," Phil asked, slightly surprised. Dan smiled briefly and gave him a quick nod. Phil undid Dan’s jeans and pulled them off, throwing them on the floor, leaving him in his boxers. Phil kissed Dan’s chest.  
“Beautiful,” he whispered as he pecked Dan’s body. “Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.”  
Dan moaned when he felt Phil’s hand slip in his boxers, pulling them down with his other hand. He let Dan’s length spring free from his boxers and started pumping it. Dan released a few short high moans when he felt the indescribable pleasure. Dan ran his hands over Phil’s hips, pushing Phil’s jeans and underwear down. Phil got off Dan’s thighs and threw his jeans and boxers on the floor, and went back to his original position.  
“Lube?” Phil asked. Dan ran his hands over the bed sheets, finding the cold bottle. He held it up. Phil took it out of his hand and opened it with a satisfying ‘pop’ sound. He poured some of the transparent liquid in his hand. He gave Dan a few lazy strokes. Dan flinched.  
“That’s cold!” Dan whisper-shouted. Phil chuckled and lubed Dan up. Dan slipped his fingers over his erection and lubed some of his fingers. He let his hand run down Phil’s spine until he found his entrance. Without warning, he pushed one finger in. Phil moaned and pushed his lips roughly on Dan’s again. It had been a long time since Phil bottomed, and he honestly forgot how good it was. Dan pumped his finger in and out of Phil and added another one, scissoring him. Phil moaned into the kiss, feeling Dan’s finger rub against his prostate. Dan added a third finger. He thrusted them in and out a few times, stretching him. Phil broke away from the kiss. He sat up. Dan pulled his fingers out. Phil grabbed Dan’s cock and pushed the tip against his entrance.  
“You ready?” Dan asked. Phil nodded, without realizing Dan couldn’t see. It was silence for a few seconds. The heart monitor beeped repeatedly. “Hello?”  
“Oh, yes,” Phil said, embarrassed by his stupid mistake. “I’m ready.”  
Phil slowly sank down onto Dan’s hard member, feeling but loving the slight burn. A low moan escaped from Phil’s mouth as he felt Dan inside of him. He stayed in this position. After a few seconds he started to move up and down. Slowly at first, but soon picking up the pace. It was silent except for the soft moans, the sound of the collision of the skin and the heart monitor.  
“You like that, baby?” Phil moaned low.  
“Yes!” Dan moaned loudly as respond. His hands on Phil’s hips. Phil wrapped his fingers around his own throbbing length and started pumping it.  
“Are you touching yourself?” Dan asked. His hand sliding from Phil’s hip to his cock, finding Phil’s hand. Dan swat it away and started pumping Phil.  
“Fuck!” Phil moaned as he felt Dan’s thumb rub his slit, which was wet with pre-cum. Phil started to fuck himself on Dan even harder whilst Dan jerked Phil off at the same pace. Phil moaned loudly when he found the right angle to hit his prostate. He kept fucking himself on that exact place.  
“So… fucking close, baby,” Dan moaned.  
“Me too,” Phil moaned back. “You’re so hot, Dan. Fuck, I love you so much.”  
“I love you!” Dan moaned loudly as he came into Phil. Feeling the warm wetness spread inside of him, Phil came too with a long deep moan, spraying the white substance on his own and Dan’s stomach and chest. Phil slowly got off Dan, groaning when he felt empty so all of a sudden. He let himself fall on the bed next to Dan, both heavy panting. The heart monitor racing. There was a comforting silence for a minute or two.  
“So, are there any tissues so I can clean you up a bit?” Phil asked, breaking it.  
“When are you going to learn, that I can’t see,” Dan laughed and gave Phil a little push.  
“Well, maybe you KNEW that there where tissues!” Phil defended himself and gave Dan a little push back. He scanned the room, seeing a tissue box on the nightstand. He pulled 6 out and wiped his cum off Dan’s stomach and chest. He cleaned his entire upper body and grabbed a clean shirt out of the plastic bag Phil had put there. He helped Dan to get entirely dressed after he put on his own boxers. The heart monitor was still not back to its original pace.  
“Hey, Dan,” Phil started as he pulled his jeans up. “You are incredibly unfit. Your heartbeat still isn’t back to its original pace.”  
“I know, Phil,” Dan chuckled. “You don’t have to remind me.”  
Phil laid down next to Dan without his shirt, it was too hot for him. He cuddled up against Dan who let his arms run over Phil’s arms. Feeling the smooth skin, until… what? Dan ran his fingers over the same place again. It’s like… like carvings… like…  
“Cuts?” Dan whispered as he ran his fingers over the many cuts on Phil’s left arm.  
“What?” Phil whispered back. He suddenly processed what Dan just said. He felt Dan’s fingers run over his left arm. He quickly pulled his arm away and sat up. He stroked the cuts himself, biting his bottom lip.  
“Phil… why…?” Dan asked, his voice trembling. “What happened?”  
“It’s nothing, an accident,” Phil said. Dan reached out towards Phil, finding his arm again. He firmly grabbed it and pulled it back. Phil tried to pull his arm back, failing. Dan stroked the cuts again, feeling anger and sadness build up.  
“An accident?” He asked timidly, knowing that it wasn’t.  
“Yes,” Phil said, biting his bottom lip harder, tasting blood. Dan frowned.  
“Don’t you lie to me, Phil,” He said, his voice trembling. “This wasn’t an accident.”  
“I’m sorry…” Phil felt a tear dribble down his cheek. “Dan, I…”  
“Phil, you need to talk to someone about this,” Dan said stern, even though there were tears in his eyes too. “Before it gets too serious. Please, Phil.”  
“Dan, no… it’s not that bad. I can stop anytime,” Phil tried to convince Dan. “Really.”  
“Yeah? Well that’s what I thought too!” Dan shouted letting the tears flow over his cheeks. Phil was too stunned to say anything.  
“What…?” he asked. Dan sighed and showed his arms. If you looked closely, you saw some pale stripes on his skin. Scars. Self-harm scars. Phil gasped as he touched them, letting his fingers slide over the old cuts.  
“Before I met you, I had a serious problem with this,” Dan started and sat up too. “I was unbelievably unhappy. I hated myself, everything about myself. Sometimes, I still do. There was absolutely nothing good that I could say about myself, except that I’m kind. But being kind was bad in that time. Long story short: I was bullied. A lot. Nothing special or outstanding. Just the typical getting pushed to the ground and called names. I hated my life so much, Phil. And one day, it got out of hand.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Phil asked and cupped Dan’s cheek, wiping away a tear with his thump.  
“Because I thought you’d think I was pathetic,” Dan said.  
“I will never think that, Dan,” Phil said. “What did you mean by ‘it got out of hand’?”  
“Well,” Dan sighed heavily. “One day, I came back from school. I felt so horrible, because my dog died the day before, and the dickheads at school where laughing about it. I felt so fucking miserable, Phil. You have to understand that I felt horrible. So I started to cut again, but it was too deep. I didn’t mean for it to go that deep, but the next thing I remember was that I was in the hospital. I almost killed myself, because of the self-harm. And I don’t want you to feel the pain I did.”  
“Oh my…” Phil exclaimed. He started to feel even more guilty. Knowing Dan almost died because of this, and doing it himself. “Baby, I didn’t know any of this.”  
“And it was supposed to stay that way, but I had to tell you,” Dan said. “To save you from yourself. It’ll start simply, just once a day, and only a few. But it’ll get worse and worse. You’ll be in love with your sadness. It’s addicting.”  
Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s torso, pushing the side of his head against Dan’s chest.  
“But then, I met you,” Dan said and hugged him back. “And I love you. I loved you ever since you welcomed me to your first video blog which I was very excited to be a part of. I loved you when you tweeted me for the first time and I almost died of 57 heart attacks. I loved you when my heart almost exploded when you called me on Skype for the first time. And I loved you when we made our first video together, the day after we met. I loved you when my heart did a flip when you told me you loved me for the first time. I loved you when we started living together to our first house, same for the second house. And, dear god, I love you so much, right now. At this exact moment. And there is nothing that will end that. Ever.”  
Phil started sobbing into Dan’s chest.  
“I love you so much, Dan,” he sobbed. “So much…”  
Dan patted Phil’s hair and softly hummed as Phil was violently crying into his chest.  
“Don’t ruin my shirt, bro,” Dan whispered. Phil chuckled through his crying. Dan always knew what to say to cheer him up. Even though this was rude, he meant it well. And Phil knows that. His boyfriend would never do anything to hurt him. Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's do a chapter-whenever-I-feel-not-shit-so-probably-once-a-week kind off fic.  
> Love u guyssss


	11. panic

Phil woke up to someone tapping his arm rapidly and the sound of heavy breathing next to him. He slowly opened his eyes and sat up. He rubbed his eyes and glanced at Dan. Wide open bloodshot eyes were staring at the ceiling. Quick sharp breathes were escaping from his mouth. The heart monitor beating rapidly. Phil frowned.  
“…hil…” Dan croaked.  
“Dan…?” Phil asked timidly. Dan squeaked when he inhaled. “Dan, wha-what’s happening…?”  
Phil felt himself slowly panic. He took Dan’s head between his hands and hold it tightly, staring into his drained eyes.  
“…elp… can’t…reath,” Dan squeaked out, his voice breaking a few times.  
“Dan, calm down,” Phil said panicking. “Please…”  
Phil let go of Dan and started to shake his head. He turned around and found the nurse button. He pushed the red button, long. He waited five seconds. No response. He grabbed Dan’s hand. He started to push the button multiple times now.  
“Please… please… please help,” Phil whispered trembling, tears welling up. He softly squeezed Dan’s hand. “Help me…”  
He kept pushing the button until the door opened and Mary came in with a slightly annoyed face. She glanced over at Phil and she widened her eyes. The poor boy, in nothing but his jeans, staring at her with his broken face, his electric blue eyes filled with tears. She looked at Dan who was still unleashing quick sharp breaths, making a squeaking sound every time he inhaled. Mary grabbed a walky-talky thing from her belt.  
“Emergency in room 209B,” she said with a shaking voice. She walked to Phil who was clearly panicking. “What happened?”  
“I… I don’t know… I just woke up... and he was breathing like this and I don’t know…” Phil said, his voice breaking in de middle of his sentence. “Mary, what’s happening… is he going to-”  
“Calm down, Phil,” Mary whispered and turned to Dan and took one of his hands, checking his pulse. Dan squeaked again. Mary softly shushed him. She grabbed the little device from her belt again.  
“Emergency in room 209B, and hurry up a bit!” Mary said, clearly a bit panicked. The moment she put the device back on her belt, the door opened and a few doctors and nurses came in. And surrounded Dan. Terms were thrown like ‘low blood pressure’ and Phil had no idea if that meant something bad or good. Phil felt someone take his hand. Mary pulled him up from the bed and snatched the bag of Dan’s clothes with her. Phil struggled against Mary’s grip. He shook his head.  
“No! I need to stay with him!,” Phil cried. He clutched Dan’s hand and squeezed it tightly.  
“Everything is under control, sir,” a doctor told him. “But we prefer that you leave.”  
Mary pulled him away. Phil slowly let Dan’s hand go. “I love you,” he whispered as Mary pulled him out of the room. Phil saw Dan’s face disappear through the closing crack of the door, tears stinging in his eyes. Mary handed him the bag of clothes.  
“I guess you fit Dan’s clothes, put something on,” Mary said and pushed him to a toilet as Phil was still struggling to go back to Dan. Phil quickly got dressed, quietly crying the whole time. He slowly came out and wanted to walk back to Dan’s room when Mary grabbed his wrist and pulled him back, she shook her head.  
“I need to see him,” Phil said, trying to sound stern even though it came out pretty weak.  
“Not now, when he recovered,” Mary said.  
“What if he doesn’t recover,” Phil quietly said. Mary took him to the waiting room and left him alone for a few minutes. Phil buried his face in his hands and started crying even more. His shoulders shook violently as he hated his life.  
“Excuse me,” a voice said. Phil looked up with his red swollen eyes. Doctor Smith was staring right at him with squinted eyes. “You are mister Howell’s partner. It’s not 1pm yet. You must leave now.”  
“No,” Phil said stern and sat up straight. “I will stay.”  
From the corner of Phil’s eye, he saw Mary approaching.  
“Mary, what’s happening with Dan… what’s wrong?” Phil said trembling.  
“We don’t know yet, but he is really not well,” Mary sighed. Phil shook his head and angrily looked at Mary and the doctor.  
“Two weeks!” he yelled at them, some people started staring at him. “You said… you said he will be around for 2 weeks! You LIAR!”  
“Phil, calm down,” Mary said and laid her hand on his shoulder, only to be roughly shrugged off. “It’ll be okay.”  
“Tell him,” Phil said angry and pointed at the doctor. “Tell him that I will stay. Tell him how I won’t go home.”  
Mary opened her mouth to say something and immediately closed it again. She glanced at the doctor who strictly raised his eyebrows.  
“I… uh… I…” Mary stuttered. “Phil you should really go home, sweetie.”  
“No!” Phil yelled at her. “I will not leave! I must stay with Dan! Please… let me stay…”  
Mary smiled apologetic at the doctor.  
“Phil, sweetie. We are now examining Dan,” Mary said and kneeled next to him, patting his leg, trying to calm him down a bit. “We’ll call you immediately if we know more.”  
“Please… Mary…” Phil begged quietly, his voice breaking. “Please, let me stay with him…”  
Mary glanced at the doctor, hopefully. The doctor shook his head.  
“Sir, if you don’t leave right now, I will call the security,” he said. Mary took Phil’s hand. Phil slowly stood up, his head down. He followed Mary as she guided him to the exit.  
“I’ll take you home, my car is over there,” Mary said and pointed at a near car. Phil nodded and his mouth formed an inaudible ‘thanks’. They silently got in and Phil quietly gave her the address. Mary started the car and drove away.  
“I have been working here for 3 years,” Mary started, “And Daniel is my favorite patient. The favorite patient I have ever had. I care about him. I care about you. If anything changes in his condition, I will immediately call you, Phil.”  
“I know…” Phil sighed, his voice still shaking from crying. He wiped the tears from his cheeks, chin and eyes.  
“Just go home, take a hot shower, watch a movie,” Mary said. “Just relax, okay.”  
“Okay…” Phil said softly. They drove in silence. “Did this happen… did this all happen because… you know… me and Dan… last night…?”  
“I don’t know, Phil,” Mary said. “I honestly don’t know. I hope not.”  
“It’s all my fault…” Phil said softly, feeling the tears well up in his eyes. “If Dan and I didn’t… last night…”  
“It’s not your fault, Phil,” Mary said. “It’s not your fault.”  
Phil buried his face in his hands and cried, letting all the tears he had left escape. He felt a hand on his back. Softly patting it.  
“I was going to propose,” Phil whispered. Mary widened her eyes as she turned left.  
“What?” she asked.  
“I was going to propose soon…” Phil said. “I was going to buy a ring the afternoon. And then this happened, and it’s all so horrible…”  
“Oh, poor baby,” Mary said, holding back her tears. She just realized how much she actually cared about these two guys. About what they’re going through. She wants to help them. To comfort them. To make sure they’re happy. These two guys deserve it. They don’t deserve this.  
“Stop, we’re here,” Phil said and the car slowed down. “Thanks for bringing me here. Seriously, thank you so much.”  
“It’s okay,” Mary smiled and laid her hand on his arm and softly rubbed it. She frowned as she felt something odd on his skin… she couldn’t place what it was but Phil pulled his arm away. He smiled thankfully at her and quickly got out of the car. He waved at her one last time and power-walked to the apartment building. When he got to his front door, it took a few seconds before the key actually got into the lock. His shaking hands just wouldn’t allow him to unlock the door. He closed the door behind him after he got in. His back resting against the door. He slowly sunk down onto his bum and wrapped his arms around his legs. He deeply inhaled, hold his breath for a few seconds, and slowly exhaled. Hot shower, Mary’s voice echoed in his head. He sighed deeply as he got up. He padded to the bathroom and quickly undressed. He got into the shower and let the water wash away his sadness. He let his head lean against the white tiles on the wall, not even thinking about how his naked back is exposed to ghosts and serial killers he used to be so scared about. He just didn’t care anymore. He sighed heavily as he stood there for a few minutes. He got out of the shower, not even bothering drying himself and put on his boxers. Movie. Phil walked to the lounge, soaking wet and plopped down on the sofa, turning on an episode of Sherlock, as they last 90 minutes. Phil tried to concentrate on the screen, he really did, but his thoughts kept wondering off. What was Dan doing right now? Maybe there was no Dan anymore… Phil shook his head, desperately trying to think of something else until he heard his phone ringing in the bathroom. Phil jerked his head towards the bathroom and took a sprint.  
“Phil Lester speaking,” Phil said hopeful.  
“Hey, Phil i-it’s me…” a familiar female voice said. “Mary.”  
“How’s Dan,” Phil immediately asked. He silently prayed to all the gods, and some superheroes, just in case, that he was okay. That everything was okay. That Dan was still going strong and happy. It was silent for a few seconds. Phil’s stomach dropped, this was not good. Silence is not good. Phil felt tears stinging in his eyes as he realized how bad this was. He covered his hand with his mouth and started sobbing. He shook his head. No, no, no, please, god no.   
“Not very good,” Mary said quietly. “He will probably not make it through this night. You can come to the hospital right now. But I can’t pick you up, I have to stay here.”  
“I’m on my way,” Phil said quietly and hang up. He practically jumped into his clothes, his hair still moist and almost tripped over his own feet as he ran outside, not even bothering locking the door. He ran over the streets, yelling for a taxi. And, of course, one stopped, a window rolled down, and Robert was smiling at him. His smile immediately disappeared when he saw Phil crying and panicking. Phil jumped into the car, he didn’t even have to say where to go. Robert knew he had to rush to the hospital.  
“Not good?” Robert asked.  
“Very bad,” Phil cried and buried his face in his hands. “He won’t make it through the night.”  
“God…” Robert exclaimed softly.  
“Go faster,” Phil said stern. “We need to hurry.”  
“Safety first,” Robert said.  
“Fuck safety!” Phil yelled. Robert glanced in shock hearing his favorite and always so calm costumer swear like that. “My boyfriend, whom I’ve been with for 6 fucking years, is about to die! Go. Faster.”  
The car accelerated, but not fast enough.  
“Faster,” Phil said.  
“Philip, this is dangerous,” Robert said as he drove towards the red traffic light. Robert turned around to look Phil straight in the eye, and not looking into a mirror. “As I said: Safety…”  
“Look out!” Phil screamed as he pointed at the red traffic light. As the car was still accelerating, they raced onto the road. Robert turned around to the sound of the honking cars. Phil screamed as he saw a truck nearing.


	12. Notes

Dan heard the door of his hospital room open.  
“…hil..?” Dan whispered hopeful. He has been waiting for him for at least 10 minutes now. This was so not like him. Phil would do anything it takes to come see him as quickly as possible. Dan fought back his tiredness as he was hoping for an answer in the low husky voice he always heard next to him as he woke up.  
“It’s me,” Mary said quietly and sat next to Dan on his bed, fighting back her tears. Seeing Dan in this state was breaking her. Her always so happy patient. Pale, tired and his sweaty hair was sticking onto his face. She heard Dan sigh.  
“When will Phil come,” Dan asked softly. “It’s been so long…”  
Mary stopped fighting and let the tears find their way out. She quietly sobbed as she took Dan’s hand.  
“Mary, what’s wrong,” Dan asked timidly, “Where’s Phil?”  
Mary swallowed. She knew she had to tell him. She knew that. But a part inside of her told her that maybe she shouldn’t. It will make him sad in his last few moments. But Mary knew better than that. She had to tell him  
“Please, Mary,” Dan begged softly. “I need to see him. I’m so tired…”  
“Phil won’t be here, but I’m sure you’ll see him soon,” Mary said quietly.  
“What-what do you mean by that,” Dan asked. What did she mean. He was not coming, but he was still able to see him soon. Maybe he was allowed going home. No, surely not. Not in this state.  
“Phil has had a car accident,” Mary whispered, hoping Dan wouldn’t hear it. She heard Dan gasp. The thoughts started racing through his head.  
“C-car acid-dent?” Dan choked out. “How is he…?”  
“He and the taxi driver where both instantly killed,” Mary said quietly. “They raced over the road to see you, and ignored a red traffic light. A truck drove into the car.”  
And then just silence. Silence is good in some situations. But sometimes, silence is violent. Nothing but the slow beeping of the heart monitor was heard. Dan shook his head. He didn’t want to show his sadness, he didn’t know why. But he found it hard to hide it. It’s visible on his face. His skin is screaming, reminding him of who was killed. And as there was nothing but silence, there is no distraction. He’s forced to deal with was he feels. There is no distraction to mask what is real.  
“Mary…” Dan softly said. “Mary, I’m so tired…”  
“You can go sleep now, sweetie,” Mary whispered as the tears dripped down her cheeks and fell from her chin onto her lap. This was it. “Rest.”  
“No… you need to do something for me,” Dan said.  
“What is it, Dan,” Mary asked softly.  
“Tell me… what’s outside of the window,” Dan said, breaking the promise he made with Phil. He instantly felt bad, but he was so desperate to know. He didn’t know why. He needed to know what was happening outside on the day he would leave this cruel world behind him, into a whole new one. It was silence for a few seconds.  
“What?” Mary asked.  
“What do you see outside of the window?” Dan asked with his last remaining breath.  
“Yeah, I heard what you said,” Mary said. “But what do you mean? There is no window in this room.”  
No window, the words echoed through Dan’s head. There was no window. Phil had made it up, just to make him happy. Like he always wants to. Making Dan happy. And with what Mary said, Dan sighed and closed his eyes. Too tired to keep them open. Too tired to live on. Too tired. The heart monitor made a long beep. And Mary could swear on everything she owns that she heard Dan sigh one word. A single word rolled from his lips. His last word.  
“Phil…”

 

“We are all brought together, in the beloved memorial of Daniel James Howell.”  
Mary wiped away another tear as she sat in the big room with crying people. People she has never met, except for the parents and the little brother on the front row. It was a big room with in the center front, there was a big coffin, with a framed picture of a happy smiling Dan on top of it. Mary said somewhere at the back. She wanted to sit a bit more at the front, but Dan’s mum said that she was ‘just the nurse’. Mary felt herself boil with anger as she heard her say that. But she wasn’t going to have a fight on Daniel’s funeral. So she dealt with it and sat in the back. She’s just the nurse anyways. Just the person who spend his last days with her. Just the person who witnessed him die. Just the nurse. Some people had said a word about how intelligent Dan was, and how sweet and caring he was. And Mary could agree with every single one of them. Dan was intelligent. And Dan was oh so sweet. And caring? Yes. About some things. Mary smiled to herself as she thought about the actual fun she had with him. How she woke up at 5am to go to the hospital for another day at work, and she was glad to see Daniel Howell again. The funeral passed by in only seconds, and as she thought it was over, someone suddenly stood up. It was a young man, with light green eyes, with a darker circle around his iris. He had curly brown hair and a nice soft voice.  
“PJ…” Mary whispered to herself. Was this the guy Dan sometimes talked about? The other YouTuber that always made short films? It seemed like it.  
“Wait,” PJ said. “I… I have something.”  
PJ held up a letter.  
“From Phil,” PJ said. Mary gasped along with some other people. From Phil? “He uh… made a note for Dan’s funeral. But, as you all know…” PJ swallowed as a tear escaped from his eye. “He isn’t with us anymore.”  
PJ walked to the front and stood next to a coffin. He laid one hand on it. He opened the letter and swallowed again.  
“For Dan, the love of my life,  
it was about 5 weeks ago when something happened. We were on the sofa together, just smiling at each other and enjoying each other’s company. When his smile drained and his face showed pain. I, of course, immediately asked what was wrong. Just a headache, he had said. And without knowing, he had those more and more often lately. But he didn’t want to tell me. He didn’t want to make me worry. Dan was always so sweet. Never wanting to make me worried. Until he woke up screaming. Screaming he couldn’t see anything. And at that point, you made me extremely worried. I’ve never been that worried in my entire life. And they said you had to live for a few weeks. But now we are here, a few days later. When this is all finished, I will try to go on with my life. Because I know that’s what you want me to do. I will try to go on, and stay happy and social. But I’ll never forget the three hour long breakfasts. I’ll never forget the Manchester Eye. I’ll never forget the whiskers. I’ll never forget your witty comebacks. I’ll never forget you. Because I love you. Oh, my dearest Dan, I love you so much. And I’ll never stop loving you,” PJ said, occasionally sniffing and wiping away a tear. He folded the letter and turned to the coffin. He recited the last remaining words on the letter as he looked at Dan’s picture,  
“Daniel James Howell, you will always be mine.”

 

Mary sighed as she walked into Dan’s old hospital room. What did he mean by that window? She was never going to find out. She started to clean up the room and empty it. She was forced to throw away everything that Dan left behind in this room. As she almost finished she checked the last drawer. A little note was lying in it. Mary grabbed and looked at it skeptically. She slowly unfolded and read it.  
“For Phil, the love of my life,  
if you read this, I’m not with you anymore. And I’m sorry for that. I wish I told you about my headaches. I wish I could still be with you. I’m alone in my hospital room right now. My heart is aching for you. But you can’t come, because we have a dickhead as a doctor. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for making my life beautiful. Thank you for making me happy. For making me smile when I thought no one ever could. You saved me. I used to be so lonely. I still love you. And I’m sorry for leaving you behind. But I still love you. You never gave me up. You never let me down. You never ran around and deserted me. You never made me cry, actually you did in a good way, but that isn't the lyrics to this song I'm ironically writing. But now I have to say goodbye. You never told a lie, and hurt me. For the record, just repeating it, I wrote that IRONICALLY. But I'm serious about this, please, Phil. Please, go on with your life. Make it the best life you can. Do it for me. Please. But never forget me, Lester. Or I will haunt you forever as a ghost.  
This was the most fun I've ever had. Much love, and yours truly,  
Dan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, you lovely person. I ACTUALLY finished something WHATTTT. I usually write one-shots, so this was kind off new. And AS the ADHD child I am, I barely ever finish anything. So I'm pretty proud tbh. Are you sad this ended? FEAR NOT. I will still be writing one-shots, as writing is one of my favorite things to do.  
> Love~  
> Mikasa Howlter  
> Tumblr: phanandmore  
> come say hi^_^


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